All my friends are going out tonight

So, I haven't made a really good entry all week. Consider it a bit of a "I have too much other shit going on" hiatus. Anyway, this'll be short. Today starts my favorite weekend of every year. I'm gonna go get drunk and watch bands with a bunch of grumpy dudes in beards pretty much all weekend. Yay for traveling, even if its only two hours. I'm pretty excited, if you can't tell. So uh, try and fare without me. On the real.

-Joe

He holds his tongue like he holds his liquor

Well weekends are a lot of fun.

Since I've already told the story a thousand times, and that would make for way too interesting of a blog anyway, I'll sum all up in singular words and fragments. Good friend visiting. No PBR. SPARKS. Condom costumes made out of garbage bags. Sexy Sarah Palin. Being too drunk for common sense. Running around Northgate Lakes. Rejoicing. Breaking down. Throwing keys. Blackout.

Wake up. Too much energy. Walk around neighborhood. Work. Out of work. Storytime! Drinking "Four". Wormwood oil. "Harry Dies" spoiler note. Sparks. The Gatherings. Holy Cow. Beer pong. Retards in game stop shirts. Whataburger. Everything in it's Right Place. Northgate? Blink/Blackout.

Drive to Turkey Lake. "Harry doesn't die but thanks for the note anyway ;)". Fin.

Yeah, so glad that you just caught up on my weekend. It was probably a lot more interesting than I will give it credit for in this blog, but it's one of those things that I will just end up appreciating writing about in here a lot more in 6 months or so. Anyway, I feel like this blog has kinda lost a lot of it's fun lightheartedness. So maybe I should bring that back a bit. This week has just been working to test my patience prior to the Fest. I mean, at this point, I'm not even too upset about anything that happens, merely because I know how excellent this weekend is going to be. Tomorrow, after Hot Dog Heaven, I'm picking up 4-12 packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon. This might spell my demise, but I'll be goddamned if I'm not completely prepared to have the best time of my life.

So I mean. I dunno. I've had a really interesting last two days. For one, last night I pretty much had to do 13 journals based on random lit readings that I had all but forgot about, so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got an extra large coffee or two and burned through the night getting that done. At one point, it was such blantant bullshit that I just called myself out mid paragraph. I was like "yo Cato, on the real, I'm pulling all of this out of my keeshka. Let's just quit pretending and let me finish this woefully insufficient entry on a slightly funny side". Speaking of though, I think I've picked up an addiction to coffee lately. Granted, I still need at least 10 creams and sugars to enjoy it at all, and I think I mostly enjoy the fact that I get wired like a crackhead and end up having even less tact than usual.

So I miss doing these retarded lists of stuff that I am enjoying. So, pretend coffee was number one on this, for the reasons listed above.

Getting Paid
This is a great feeling. I like having money. Now all you fuckers come into to Outback take away and order a bunch of food, so I can get more money

Homemade condom costumes
Yeah, pretty much the best college Halloween costume. Gets all the right attention, plus people know that you didn't show up to the party to find a snugglebuddy. Beliedat. Maybe I'll post a picture when it's not you know like 4:10 am.

Rice
I used to not like rice at all, but I'll be damned, I guess I have grown up. I mean, white rice is still wholly worthless, but flavored rice is probably my favorite starchy food. I really like broccoli and cheese flavored rice. Talk about delicious. Chicken fried rice with the little bits of scrambled eggs is also pretty great as well.

Sparks
Man, so I never really partied too much with sparks until recently. However, this weekend, my drunkeness was dominated by the abuse of alcoholic energy drinks. I do have to thank Sparks though, because even after drinking quite a bit on Friday night, I woke up on 5 hours of sleep on Saturday morning ready to take on the world. Also, I tried this stuff called Four the other day, which is essentially Sparks, but with 10 percent alcohol, and wormwood oil (the crazy shit that they make absinthe out of) in it. Talk about some crazy shit right there.

Sleep
This is what I need right now. No energy=peace out from Joe land.

-Joe

Crowdsurfing from epileptics.

Phew.

I am tired, or so it seems. I just got back from seeing that band I was telling you about, about an hour ago. Apparently they are called Rise Against btw. Whatever, I was close. Show was pretty great. I ended up with an all-access pass which was pretty excellent. Talk about feeling pretty boss. The only gripe I really had was that some of Rise Against's fans are really horribly lame. It's pretty much bro central. I can't count the amount of times I heard "dude I'm getting so fucked up after this" or "They don't drink? What faggots". Normally, I think it's pretty incessant to complain about bros, but there were just so many, and they were all so fucking obnoxious during the show. That, and I can't even count the amount of retarded high school underclassmen who apparently have never figured out a decent way to crowd surf, and as such, feel the need to kick and flail constantly.

Anyway, so I think it's really prudent to inform the five (and that's wishful thinking) readers of this blog that I am currently sitting in the most cliche example of a college apartment bedroom ever. Currently, I'm surrounded by a veritable cesspool of inactivity and developing alcoholism including, but not limited to:

An empty can of PBR that is at least three days old, wrapped in a free Smokey Bones BBQ beer cozy
A half empty bottle of Budweiser American Ale (which shouldn't really be a college cliche, because it's way too expensive for most college students)
A McDonalds cup that, a few days ago, actually contained a chocolate milkshake.
Both guitars, sitting here, and probably out of tune
A plate that at one point contained one of those Tostinos mini pizzas
Assorted completely irreverent acutrima scattered all over the floor
About a key chain bottle openers
Decks of cards, stained with beer, and almost assuredly missing several cards
Books. Somewhere. Probably buried under stuff.
A coffee cup full of bottle caps
My non-working cellphone

You get the idea. My room radiates a cesspool of apathy at the moment. After going through all of this, I feel like it's almost necessary to clean it up. But then again, I could not an be just as functional. Anyway, that's not very interesting, so fuck talking about the current level of dishevelment in my room.

So we're back to workshopping in creative writing, and god is it just as bad as it's ever been. The retard who wrote the poem about Weezer or whatever last time, decided to do his non-fiction piece as a script. Like a movie script. Yeah. He's got essentially five pages of dialogue with no action. In fact, I bet that if it was widdled down to an actual non-fiction manuscript, it would have made MAYBE a page and a half. Not for nothing, but it was one of those typical "pity me, I'm the nice guy" stories. To any idiots who honestly think that the unassertive nice guy ever REALLY gets what they want, I hate to inform you that you are completely mistaken.

Sure, are a few guys who will say "well I have a girlfriend and we go great together". I'm sure that's true, at least partially. However, was she your first choice? And honestly, aside from the fact that she clearly accepts you for you, chances are that she was not someone that you would have qualified as your dream girl. No, you got stuck with the leftovers after the assertive guys had their way. I'm by no means saying that the assertive male will ALWAYS get what he want, but he'll get it much more often than the unassertive, nice guy will. And don't just take my words as empty, trust me, I've been there. I've learned the hard way that being unassertive will get the girl that you are in love with blowing the black guy in the bathroom.

There is nothing attractive about a lack of confidence, and being unassertive is directly correllated to this. Typical gender roles are the way they are for a reason, and one person, or even a thousand people won't change this. You're only as worthless as you let yourself be. No one cannot change for the better, unless they convince themselves that what they are is what people find attractive (when it clearly isn't). Hell, the only thing you have to change is how you view yourself. I'm not trying to cast stones, because even I have issues with this sometimes, but nonetheless. If you carry yourself with confidence in all that you do, people will gravitate toward you.

There is the basic message of all of those alpha-male books summed up in like three paragraphs. Now all of you self pitying dicks and chicks, go out and make me proud. You're all beautiful. Just not as much as me.

-Joe

Women and the children first

Fast food sucks.

Seriously, every time I eat that shit, I am reminded within ten minutes of why I should never eat that shit. Yeah, I understand that sometimes fast food does taste really good, and that it's a quick alternative to having to cook dinner and all, but for fucks sake, I think I'm going to try and swear off fast food for the rest of my life. Nothing good comes from it seemingly. In fact, I'm going to make a strong attempt to not eat any fast food aside from Hot Dog Heaven (which hardly qualifies), for the next three months. Not even taco bell. Fuck how expensive it is, and fuck how it makes you feel afterwards. After I eat fast food, I feel the same way that I do after I drug a hooker that I haven't yet paid and walk out on her, after skeeting in her hair. Just guilty.

But on to topics that aren't burning a hole through the bottom of my toilet bowl right now. Life for me is a giant balancing act. I care a lot about music and literature, and have a very high level of quality control for both, which is why you won't catch me reading any limp-dicked Chuck Palahniuk book any time soon or listening to a Forever the Sickest Kids album. Unbeknownst to a lot of people, I do also like visual art quite a bit, and while I'm not a complete art nerd, I do enjoy art a lot. But for all of the energy I invest into music and literature and art, I seem to have completely overlooked movies. Which sucks, I feel like I have really underdeveloped taste in movies.

Yeah, it's weird like that. You'd think that someone who is pretty cultured such as myself would really have pretty awesome taste in movies, but no. It takes very little to keep me entertained. Maybe that's why my three favorite movies are Ocean's 11, Legally Blonde (and I can still quote the majority of the lines from it), and Pan's Labryrinth (probably the only movie on this list that has any sort of higher level credibility). Other than that, I am mostly entertained by typical comedy stuff like Zoolander, and Superbad, and other garbage comedies. It's pretty sad. People talk about how their life was like affected by movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Requiem for a Dream or something, and I just can't get into stuff like that. But I mean, I guess that the opposite applies for the girl who considers both The Garden State and the first Senses Fail album to be masterpieces of our time.

So reccommend me some movies that will make me feel like less of a navel picking retard for liking. And no, don't reccommend The Notebook. The last thing I need is some vapid and hopelessly cliche love story. Kthx.

In other news, I'm interviewing this little band that you guys have never heard of tomorrow. They just put out a new album called Appeal to Reason which is actually really good. They had some crappy acoustic ballad a couple of years ago, and then got on Guitar Hero somehow. Not with that song. Some other song. I dunno. They are called like Rage Against, or Rise Against the Machine, or something like that. Plus they are straight-edge. What weirdos. Ah well, I'm sure it'll be fun. I heard they're playing with a bunch of hot topic bands though which is a bummer. So I'm going to the House of Blues for that tomorrow. Should be interesting.

Anyway, it's time for bed and time to hope that this horrendous emphyzema-esque cough will go away soon. Then maybe I can get rid of the case of the mudkips that have been plaguing me since the first bite of that Big Mac after work.

Peace,

-Joe

If I could only be half the things you write about in your songs

So class has been nothing but unnecessary stress. Being surrounded by retards almost guarantees that it will cause stress because no one has their shit together. Like for instance, Lit class, class got canceled last Thursday, meaning that the in class discussion for Thursday is being combined with the in-class discussion for Tuesday, and is now also being combined with the Thursday discussion because this pale dicked motherfucker cannot make it to class then. Awesome, so instead of having to read two of these readings, I have to read three, and understand them enough to figure out what's going on and discuss it. There is no doubt in my mind that the class part of college is the worst part. I love the partying, the meeting new people, the football, everything else. Hell, I even like working my job because at least I'm getting paid, but class is just unnecessary stress and a total financial burden. And don't even get me started on some of the speds in my creative writing class (file under "more workshopping? fuck yes!).

So I like traveling. What sucks is that being an employed college student with rent to pay makes this incredibly difficult to do. However, if I had a choice of careers in an ideal world where such a ridiculously ludicrous career did exist, I would love to get paid to just travel everywhere, all expenses paid. I know, it's totally unrealistic, but I can dream right? So, here is a list of places that I am going to try to travel to, ASAP.

Australia
Yeah, I know that I've already been here. But I fell so hard in love with this place when I went that I've been trying to find an excuse to go here ever since. The people there are all gorgeous (for the most part) and extremely friendly. No idea where we went wrong.

Amsterdam
This is pretty much self explanatory. The debauchery capital of the world? I'm so there.

England
Mostly because the 2012 Olympics are here, and I think that going to the Olympics during a trip to Europe would be pretty amazing. Plus, this is where I plan to propose to Stephanie Rice. So, gotta be in the same place she is.

Italy
I surmise that there are probably very few places on this planet with better food than Italy. Plus I hear that it's just a nice place in general.

Japan
One thing. Osaka Jail. Haven't heard of it? Go look it up. Not for nothing, despite how expensive it is, I guarantee that very few people party harder than the Japanese after a long day of crunching numbers and shit.

Thailand
Because really, how can you say that you lived without getting some really weird STD from a Thai hooker while riding the green dragon?

France
Eh, I mean, I dunno. Maybe France sucks and I just have no idea. Everyone there seems rude. But I guess it's one of those "you'll never know until you experience it" kinda deals.

Canada
This is happening soon. Why? Because getting hammered completely legally at 19 sounds pretty excellent to me. Plus I want actual maple syrup. And I still don't entirely believe that they have those goofy fucking accents. Talk about filler.

Ireland
I hear Ireland is really pretty. Plus I want to steal a ginger and bring her back to wherever I happen to be living. Partially because how much more interesting would I be if I had a natural born Irish wife? We could have pasty freckled children.

Chicago
This is one place I've never been, but I really feel the urge to go here for a number of reasons. One, I want to see a Cubs/Chisox game at Wrigley (because who gives a shit about the White Sox stadium). Secondly, The Lawrence Arms are from there, and Brendan Kelly bartends at the L&L often enough. Getting wasted off either PBR or Old Style while being served by one of my favorite singers ever? I think that would be pretty amazing.

San Francisco
The last time I went here I was in the womb. But I think it's a pretty necessary place to visit. Dunno why really, just have the urge.

So, I've dicked around enough doing this. I need water, and need to clean the random acutrima scattered throughout my room while listening to the Lawrence Arms live set. 9 Days until the Fest!

-Joe

A Peter North money shot for a case of PBR. Come on man, I'm desperate!

Minions-

So it's 2:34 am as I write this. Tonight was our final night of dumb Outback classroom training, and thank god for that. I was just about ready to spoon my eyes out and make a casserole from their jelly if I had to sit through more of the same tedious, repetitive bullshit any longer. However, I passed, I'm employed, etc, so all is good. What isn't good is how much of a horrible procrastinator I am. I have yet to really even start on my non-fiction manuscript, although I feel like it's one of those that I will be able to shit out a half decent manuscript pretty quickly. I'm actually writing about a highly exaggerated version of the first time I ever bartended. This was also the first wedding I ever attended, so it was pretty entertaining. I think it could make for a good "being out of your element" story. So tomorrow, I am spending most of the day doing that, and then hopefully getting ridiculous later.

It seems that the more I am forced to write creatively, the less I turn my attention to some of my creative projects that I feel have much more potential than the assignments that I'm forced to write. However, I do feel like maybe these little throw away projects are a good way to exonerate some of the crap that I have built up inside me. Sure, it might seem silly to some to put less effort into the work that is actually getting graded, but I feel as if grades matter so little in the field that I'm planning on entering in. I mean, I used to be really gung-ho about going into journalism, but as of now, I just don't have any sort of interest in it. It's just not fun for me. Being forced to do anything will never be fun for me. I feel like I'm a little too independent for that.

It's kinda sad that I can see myself as the complete cliche of an artist in a few years. All of a sudden it feels like I would enjoy spending my evenings bartending, while spending my days working on more creative projects, whether it be writing, or music. Maybe it's the fact that I just hate to be such a slave to convention, and that is all journalistic writing is. That's why I like to keep this blog pretty variable and avoid sticking to just one subject. I mean, we all know my one true love is transvestites, but how uninteresting would a blog about my exploits with transvestites be? The answer? More interesting than you could handle.

So currently, here's some shit that I'm liking a lot, just so I don't sound so completely miserable (when in reality, I'm actually pretty happy most of the time now).

Black and Tans
And no, I don't actually mean the kind that Yuengling bottles (although those are very good too). I mean the homemade black and tan. My personal favorite combo? I do Harp Lager on the bottom half of the mug, and then slowly pour Guinness Extra Stout over the back of a spoon. Shit is absolutely delicious. I feel like Hagrid when I drink them.

Yuengling
Speaking of beer, I forgot how absolutely extraordinary Yuengling was. For the same price as Budweiser, and Miller Lite, and all of that stuff, Yuengling is the best beer for it's price range. Great drinkability, and awesome taste. Plus, it has the unique beer appeal as well (although as it becomes more popular, it's slowly becoming less unique, duh). Probably tied for my favorite beer with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Hamburger Helper
Yeah, I fell into the total college kid trap. But I can't lie, Hamburger Helper rules a lot. The lasagna one is great because it ends up being like three meals for me. Hate on it.

Working cell phones
Mine doesn't. Stupid fucking battery. Blegh. Once it does again though, I will be very happy!

Anyway, I'm going to call it a day on writing. I need to shower. And still need a haircut. Soon!

-Joe

Dedicated to all human beings

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

So it's officially 16 days until the best weekend of my entire year. Yes, that's right folks, the Fest is on us again, and this lineup seems stronger than ever. Sure, I'm poor as fuck right now, but I do have a job, and I should have financial aid very soon (starting to sound like a broken record right?). So, I'm officially completely excited for life again.

For the uninitiated, The Fest (yes, that is what it's called), is a big independent music festival that has (this year, at least) upwards of 250 bands at 8 different venues between Halloween and November 2nd (although this is the first Fest Halloween, which gives my favorite week of the year a whole new connotation). Last year was my first time, and granted, I made a lot of rookie mistakes. However, I had the most fun of my entire life on Fest 6 weekend last year, and I expect that having been once and knowing what to expect, that this year will be even better.

Some of my very favorite bands on the entire planet are playing this year, and I couldn't be more stoked to get completely faded and listen to some of the best music in the world. Namely, The Lawrence Arms, and my buddies in A Wilhelm Scream and the Swellers. Not for nothing though, I always love to find new bands to randomly get into while waiting for other bands to start, like what happened last year with the band Shook Ones. It's just such a great cultural experience, knowing that 90 percent of the people there are really awesome, and that everyone is there for the same reason: enjoying some of the best music the worst bands have to offer.


So right now, I just found out that my first two classes tomorrow are both cancelled. This is pretty stellar, mostly because it means I don't have class until noon. So, in celebration of such an event, I'm drinking a traditional black and tan. Yeah, I'm aware that it's a total yuppie drink, but I did a few favors for my friend, he got me a nice little homemade variety pack of good beer (as well as a betta fish, who I've officially christened as "Lennox"), so I figured that there would be no better way to drink Guinness Extra Stout and Harp Lager. So, there is that.


So, I haven't done a good list in a while, and having alcoholics as friends, I thought I would try and document the 5 worst liquors ever. Granted, there are some things I haven't tried that I am absolutely sure are gutrot, but alas, this is all from experience.


Rum
Of any kind. Gold, silver, 151, doesn't matter. Rum is what high schoolers with an overactive libido drink. In fact, rum is probably the dumbest alcohol to drink in excess (trust me, I know). I was not always the seasoned drinking professional that I appear to be, and when I was in 10th grade, I used to drink rum too. That is, until I grew a brain and realized how horrible of a hangover that sugary drinks give you. I mean man, you have not experienced a hang-over until you've experienced a rum and coke hangover. It's got enough sugar to put a hummingbird into a diabetic coma. Rum is for middle schoolers, old men who listen to too much Jimmy Buffett, and sorority girls exclusively. Some people champion it's use as a hangover remedy after partying with too many synthetic drugs (although this begs the question, can you ever party with too many synthetic drugs?), but honestly, drink sparks instead. It is at least tolerable in taste.


ABC Vodka
This is kinda like saying shit from Walmart sucks, but honestly, this is the most gutwrenching vodka ever that it can't not get a spot on this list. Yeah, so it's 100 proof. Yeah, so it's 7 dollars a bottle. Yeah so, it will without a doubt get you completely faded. But honestly, how could you justify something that will make you vomit even when drinking weak cran-vodkas. I don't even want to know what this garbage tastes like straight up.


Gin
If you are capable of stomaching gin, more power to you. I personally think it's straight up bottled acid, but I guess if you are capable of downing that as fast as my parents do while watching Grateful Dead tribute bands, then you should probably do this. Gin drinkers are generally either classy, or dangerous in appeal due to drinking gin. This, of course refers to "good" gin like Tanqueray and not the ghetto swill that bums drink

Honest to God bad beer
And yes minions, it does exist out there, and chances are, you have probably drank a lot of it. Bad beer can kind of be a fuzzy area, but really, there are some that are so undisputably terrible that are worth noting. Most clear-cut offenders include: Natty Light/Ice, Busch/Busch Light, Keystone/Keystone Light, Coors Light, Miller Genuine Draft. Now a beer like Schlitz kinda sits on the fence on this one. For one, it's super cheap, and that is absolutely apparent in it's taste. However, Schlitz does have the upside of having really cool/unique packaging, and as such, makes you look a little less douchey. But it's a toss up on that one.

Scotch
Okay so while I do find Jim Beam drinkable, and Jack Daniels marginally okay, Scotch and most other types of whisky are possibly the grossest shit ever. It completely baffles me how anyone can drink this shit and not want to throw up completely. I know I did back when I was going through Kindergarten for the second time.

Anyway, so I really need to eat breakfast and finish up a journal for my advanced expository class like asap, because I have class starting at 1:30.

-Joe