25 things I didn't care to know

So recently that whole 25 things meme has been floating around facebook incessantly.  Now I realize that I actually did it too, and that I also encouraged it by tagging 25 people, most of whom I was pretty sure would do it, but really, don't do the 25 things unless you have something interesting or intelligent to say.  So here, I'm going to go through my friends and pick out 16 (because I'm too lazy to do 25) of the most awful things that retards on facebook wrote.  

 

1. i really want a girlfriend right now.--This gets me every fucking time.  Why would anyone WANT a girlfriend/boyfriend/dogfriend?  It's like saying "I want extra stress in my life and don't care who it comes from as long as they are the opposite sex."  Wanting a relationship to me is the dumbest thing ever.  It's promoting settling for someone that you don't REALLY want, but you're just too afraid of being alone and incapable of being interesting by yourself.  

 

2. I masturbate a lot and porn rules. if you don't like it then you're weird dude. --Strikingly personal information for a dumb facebook meme, but I will preface this with the fact that earlier in the note, he admitted to being a virgin.  I don't think I'm the only one in this case who can see why.  Oh, ps, adding "dude" to the end of your sentences on facebook=you clearly hate bacon.  

 

3. i still enjoy breakdowns.--Self-explanitory.  You're just a retard.  Oh, and this isn't interesting at all (much like it's inclusion in this list).  

 

4. i absolutely love it when girls wear those knitted hats and have excellent taste in music. also, when they have any part of their nose pierced.--Dude I don't even have a goddamn clue what you are talking about.  That's like saying "I like girls who play cricket and have got exactly eight parking tickets in their lives."  Like how are the two fucking related at all?  

 

5. i think i'm really good looking--You're not, don't worry.  You also probably thought you were really interesting too. 

 

6. oh! i smoke cigarettes like a motherfucker and i really like when girls also smoke cigarettes.--I've never heard of cigarette smoking being a turn on.  Until now.  You probably also actively look for a girl who still has the track marks from the drano she shoots up weirdo.  

7. i love beejs.--If you're admitting this on facebook, you've never gotten a "beej".  

 

8. One time a girl told me she wanted to have my eyes--This makes you both tremendously interesting and unique!  Ps who gives a shit?

 

9.  i also caught my hair on fire last year and the patch is still growing back.--Can you say "epic fail"?

 

10.  i really want to work with kids; we relate so well.--I'm glad you can relate to creatures with an undeveloped brain.  Why don't you just admit to having an emotional connection with a betta fish?

 

11.  I like sleeping naked.--File under "things I didn't ever want to know, ever."  

 

12. I grew up listening to a lot of Motown and classic rock, so I have a hard time listening to the cRAP of today.--Really guys?  Are we STILL in 7th grade when it was cool to make the cRAP/Rap association?  Plus, Straight Out of Compton is ten times the album than fucking Highway to Hell orZeppelin IV will ever be. 

 

13.  I really want to visit a leper colony one day--Well.  Okay...

 

14.  I don't know how people throughout time have managed to keep their sanity in regards to the pointlessness of it all.--Then why don't you just kill yourself?  Fuck tits man.  

 

15.  No one is to cool for GOD--I am, but you're too cool for spelling apparently.  

 

16.   Mmmmm I just farted.--Brad dated this girl.  This makes said thing much funnier.  

 

Anyway, I'm at home eating ramen between classes because my phone died and I forgot my book at home.  So alas, I cranked this out.  Coming up next: Worst college fashion trends.  

 

xoxo 

Q: Are you gay or something?

A: No.

For some reason or another, I've gotten this question a lot throughout my life.  Maybe it comes from being a pasty white kid.  Maybe it comes from the fact that the things I'm most concerned about don't involve lifting weights, protein powder, and ending every sentence with "bro".  Or, more than likely, maybe it comes from the fact that I'm the first one to make gay jokes about myself.  But is any of that really relevant towards my sexual orientation?  Nah.  

I'm not offended by it really; in fact, I'd prefer that people asked and then knew I wasn't as opposed to going through life thinking I was.  I just find it sort of amusing that because I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to make cocksucking jokes galore, people assume that I'm actually serious when I say things like that.  I mean yes, basing it of just words, it probably does seem like "oh well Joe just admitted to sucking cocks for coke".  However, I don't do cocaine, so why would me sucking cocks be any more likely in the statement?  I don't get it, but whatever.  

It's not like I'm lacking the typical guy points either.  My apartment is probably more messy than most guys I know.  I have as legitimate opinions on sports as most other guys who see the light of day occassionally.  I drink beer because I actually enjoy it.  And, mostly, I'll objectify women just as much as most other guys.  But, on the other hand, yes, I can quote Legally Blonde, drink Sangria, and openly admit to crying during Pan's Labyrinth and giving a microcosm of a shit about how I look when I leave the house in the morning.  

So, in summation, I'm not gay, if anyone was wondering.  I call it being well-rounded.  Another question though: Am I offended by it?  Not really.

hugs and anal,

Joe

You'll never make it out of this apartment alive

I like living on my own a lot.  In fact, it's arguably the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I've learned way more about basic life skills since I've moved out of my parents place than I did when I was inside of it.  I can cook, clean, and deal with minor emergencies on my own as opposed to having to rely on someone else.  I'm also in the process of learning how to take care of some basic auto maintenance on my own, but that's neither here nor there.  What I want to discuss today is living with roommates.  Unfortunately, as long as I've been living with roommates, I've had some less than stellar ones.  

When I was living in a dorm, my roommate was spoiled, closet gay kid who was whacked out on downers all the time.  Rooming with him was actually not that bad.  We never really fought, and the only time there was any sort of tension was when I would have like three friends in town for the weekend, and we would come home retardedly drunk and noisy at like 2 or 3 am.  It was actually pretty funny for the most part watching him whine to his friends about really trivial rich kid shit.  I also viewed it as a bit of a game of clue.  He was from my hometown, and several of my friends had known him prior to me rooming with him.  The overwhelming majority were all convinced that he was gay, but no one was quite sure.  After a year of rooming with him, I was still kind of unsure myself.  In fact, to this day, I have no idea if he's gay.  Sure, he watched shows like the OC and America's Next Top Model, but he also I guess tried to cover this up by talking about girls with me, and he did actually own a Girls Next Door calender.  If I had to guess, my roommate probably was gay, but I will be damned if I had any sort of conclusive evidence I guess.  I mean, I really don't care all that much,  but I just find it very funny when I meet people who know him, that's the first question I get.  Even his ex girlfriend, with whom I shared a class, asked that question.

Moving on down the list of roommates to the current situation, I ended up going with randomly assigned roommates this year in an off campus apartment.  I was originally kind of skeptical as to the kids I was rooming with (facebook is a wonderful tool for forming prejudices), but for the first few months, things were actually pretty fun.  There was a solid amount of substance abuse and a steady flow of attractive girls.  But after a while, the constant dissarray of the living room , the 2:30 AM fucking hurricanes, the constant usage of all of my shit, and just everything else got to be way too much.  Unfortunately for me, my three roommates all know each other, so I am in the overwhelming minority.  To them, it's okay to leave piles of dirty dishes in the living room, and it's alright to use whatever happens to be in the fridge, even if they didn't pay for it.  My roommates, for the most part, are completely spoiled.  None of them understand how difficult it is to get a job and just assume that if they needed one, they could find one in a minute.  

It's hard to watch people be so clueless and spoiled.  Don't get me wrong, my roommate Mike is actually really cool, and I do like him.  The other two are practically invalids though.  There is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about being a dickhead frat boy wearing Ed Hardy shirts.  Similarly, there is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about someone who spends their days doing nothing but ordering wingzone and just watching youtube videos all day.  

So mostly, be careful with roommates.  Don't leave the people you are going to be living with up to chance.  If you have to leave some up for chance, you're better off making sure you have at least half of the people of your residence on your side, then at least confrontation becomes an option.  And if you can room with people who, while not your absolute best friends, room with people that you can get along well with and have a good time with.  Hopefully, I'll be able to take all of my own advice finally in August.  

xoxox

Joe

Brad and I's conversations about life on FB chat. procrastination/pedophilia included

Brad

i wrote my week in rage earlier

12:19amJoe

I read it

I would have commented, but I'm busy smashing my skull into concrete

12:19amBrad

lol

12:19amJoe

because I really hate how fucking brilliant I am

at procrastinating

12:19amBrad

oh?

oh

12:20amJoe

I seriously pick up awful habits

just to find new ways to procrastinate

12:20amBrad

heroin?

12:20amJoe

no

but I normally don't smoke cigarettes unless I'm wasted

however, a cigarette break provides a great little endeavor away from getting things done

didn't drink coffee at all until I realized

oh hey

if I'm up later, I'll have even more time to put it off

all of a sudden, sleep is out of the equation

12:21amBrad

lol

12:21amJoe

with no sleep, well what the fuck, I can stay up all night putting this paper off!

and I dunno why I'm so fucking like

hard headed

the paper is only a page

but it's a page on analyzing shit I haven't read

with techniques that I don't have a fucking clue as to how to apply them

12:22amBrad

god, the other night im hanging out with some friends and i get hit on by a 16 year old sister

12:22amJoe

did you gag her?

12:22amBrad

i should have

12:22amJoe

yes or no question brad.

12:23amBrad

big no

12:23amJoe

F

A

I

L

Brad

HOWEVER

im getting a miley cyrus mask to put over her redheaded brace face

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There you have it. I'm still sitting here getting nothing accomplished.

Fuck me sally.

xoxo,

Joe

Nothing to read.

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. School has been a miserable cunt and online classes have slowly been consuming my life. It's pretty unfortunate actually. I can't even remember the last time I really went out out. It kinda sucks actually, but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough and be back to my normal antics. What sucks the most about having online classes is that, not only do they encourage procrastination, but also, I feel like I can't do anything fun while I'm online if my class stuff isn't done. Quite frankly, I feel very guilty that I'm writing this blog and not reading to fill out a discussion posting that is overdue on something that I don't care about.

Anyway, lame filler post. Nothing to read here. I'm still alive, if anyone reading this cares all that much. Something good soon, promise.

-Joe

And you must be the monopoly guy

Orlando is a pretty great place to live. I'm not particularly married to my farce of an educational institution, nor am I particularly infatuated with the veritable shit-ton of amusement parks and other such touristy crap that everyone and their uncle seems to know Orlando for. I'm really out of shit to write, as the past week or so has been draining as all hell and I'm fed up with just about everything else on the planet. So, here's some filler shitz about a couple of places that I really like in Orlando. I'll save everyone the Hot Dog Heaven rant because we've all heard it 300 times before.

Lazy Moon-
I used to think Lazy Moon was probably one of the most hopping eateries in the UCF area, but I guess apparently it's not so much. Lazy Moon is great because of the fact that they do pizza by the slice, but their pizza is fucking enormous. Literally, one side of a slice is the length of my forearm. For just a slice of cheese, I think it's like 3.30, but you can add a shit-ton more stuff to it for a pretty marginal price. Also, the best part about this is that they have a deal where you can get that same slice of cheese and a pint of PBR (Arguably one of the greatest beers ever) for 3.60. For those playing the home game, a pint of pbr ends up being 30 cents. Can't go wrong, especially with their large selection of special/good/expensive/cool/ and/or cheap beers on hand. Great place.

xoxo,

Joe

SOONER or later, the Gaytors will go down

haha, funny right?

Man do I intensely not like the amount of hype that Florida gets. Anyway, here's something interesting. My friend John and I started this website where we're going to document stupid things people do that affect our lives and other funny minutia. Check it out. It's not fully 100% yet, as we still don't really have the weirdo wordpress thing figured out, but when it is, I'll repost the link. Keep checking back for updates because that's probably going to be where I post a lot of the more widely accessible funny stuff. As if I'm funny or something -_-.

http://www.whysodumb.com

I have my own seperate section, but until we link all the pages together, just go there for the most part. Until that happens, expect all regular posts on here.

Anyway, continuing on, today was the beginning of another semester of third-tier state university education for me. Unlike last semester when I had all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday, today I only had 2/4 classes. These classes, ideally, were separated by an hour and a half window which, as hard as I tried, was unable to be filled with anything. So I should have an hour or so break between classes, which I'm sure I'll use to an overwhelming extent to do homework. However, after leaving my apartment at 20 til noon to try and find parking, I ended up getting to class like a minute late because of the inherent clusterfuck with UCF parking. In this minute, I determined a few things:
1. Our professor was not there
2. This class looks like it will be thoroughly torturous
3. We were not going to be in class for more than two more minutes

After my class got out at promptly 12:03, it occurred to me that I was 2 hours and 57 minutes away from having another class. After the initial bout of anger, I killed time and made it to my intro to hospitality course (a 1000 level class, pretty much all freshmen). In this, of course, because it was a mostly freshmen class, we were required to do some idiotic ice breaker where the other half of the room would have to come over, pick a partner, and learn shit about them like name, hometown, major, and "what would you do if you knew you could never fail". Of course, because this was a freshman class at a third tier state university, all of the answers sucked, a lot. Some people tried to be funny and failed. Some people tried to be deep, and bombed. Some people tried to be honest, and their answers were still either shitty or cliche. Now I realize that it seems like I'm casting unfair judgment, but here is why I will provide a list of some of the worst answers that I can actually remember. No order really, just whatever comes to mind:

Cure cancer/aids-
This was a big one. Even if your life has been affected by cancer and/or AIDS, this is merely a bullshit cop-out for an answer. Plus, in the grand scheme of life, cancer and AIDS need to exist. This isn't the fucking notebook, and not everyone can just die of natural causes (Which cancer sort of is anyway, but I digress). Just a dumb predictable answer that says to everyone "I'm boring and unexceptional and trying to not look like a selfish twat".

Take a cross-country road trip-
This was actually one that the fat bro who picked me used. Granted, he tried to avoid it at first, but not wanting to look like a total tard in front of a class of nearly 70, I immediately picked one that, if nothing else, was at least worth a chuckle. He however, came up with nothing. In fact, just to save his ass (and look like a sharp witty brat, as well) I was just going to say "He says that if he could do anything, it would be 'shit, I don't know what to write'". Because maybe half the class would have gotten it, and that would have been like iridescent paint under a black light telling me which members of the class to consider as human beings with a functioning brain stem. But no, instead he picked "take a cross country road trip". Firstly, unless you're a bleeding imbecile with very little skill for forward planning (especially ironic in a hospitality MANAGEMENT class), I think it's pretty difficult to fail at driving across the country. Really, as long as you have enough money, you can solve just about any problem that comes up along the way. Regardless, that was his answer, and it instantly made me feel like a flailing dick for having to read that outloud.

Scuba-dive-
Of course the bitch from Maine would say this. Now, not to say that there aren't plenty of ways to fail at scuba diving (getting the bends, running out of air, rubbing against fire coral, etc) because there are, but none of these things are very common at all in terms of people actually doing them. In fact, scuba diving really only has a couple of things to remember. One, keep breathing constantly and don't hold your breath. Two, don't shoot straight up to the surface. Three, don't touch anything that is red and/or moving. If you do that, I'm pretty sure you're fine. It's really NOT that hard. If this is the ONE thing you would do out of literally anything in the world, you are really wasting that get out of jail free card aren't you?

Be a psychic and a race car driver-
Wow, epic fail attempt at being funny? Hey dude, I know you're new to this whole college thing, but your Ren and Stimpy brand of humor was kind of not funny when you started it in middle school. Grow up a little and make jokes about dead hookers or something.

Be an NFL coach (girl saying this)-
Wanna hear a funny joke? Women's rights. Ha ha! Yeah, this is just me being a dick and being upset that no matter what class I'm in, apparently it has to talk about feminism in some way or another. Sad panda.

Rob a bank-
Cool, so now instead of finding out the hard way that you're a materialistic whore, I know without ever having to say a word to you. Thanks for saving me the trouble.

Kill Sarah Palin-
Not funny Joe, that's just creepy. Stop bloging and attempting to be funny and failing. Everyone laughing? Yeah, it's probably because what you said rly disturbed them. Oh well!

Anyway, more from the State University Circus to come later. Go Sooners?

xoxo

Joe