25 things I didn't care to know

So recently that whole 25 things meme has been floating around facebook incessantly.  Now I realize that I actually did it too, and that I also encouraged it by tagging 25 people, most of whom I was pretty sure would do it, but really, don't do the 25 things unless you have something interesting or intelligent to say.  So here, I'm going to go through my friends and pick out 16 (because I'm too lazy to do 25) of the most awful things that retards on facebook wrote.  

 

1. i really want a girlfriend right now.--This gets me every fucking time.  Why would anyone WANT a girlfriend/boyfriend/dogfriend?  It's like saying "I want extra stress in my life and don't care who it comes from as long as they are the opposite sex."  Wanting a relationship to me is the dumbest thing ever.  It's promoting settling for someone that you don't REALLY want, but you're just too afraid of being alone and incapable of being interesting by yourself.  

 

2. I masturbate a lot and porn rules. if you don't like it then you're weird dude. --Strikingly personal information for a dumb facebook meme, but I will preface this with the fact that earlier in the note, he admitted to being a virgin.  I don't think I'm the only one in this case who can see why.  Oh, ps, adding "dude" to the end of your sentences on facebook=you clearly hate bacon.  

 

3. i still enjoy breakdowns.--Self-explanitory.  You're just a retard.  Oh, and this isn't interesting at all (much like it's inclusion in this list).  

 

4. i absolutely love it when girls wear those knitted hats and have excellent taste in music. also, when they have any part of their nose pierced.--Dude I don't even have a goddamn clue what you are talking about.  That's like saying "I like girls who play cricket and have got exactly eight parking tickets in their lives."  Like how are the two fucking related at all?  

 

5. i think i'm really good looking--You're not, don't worry.  You also probably thought you were really interesting too. 

 

6. oh! i smoke cigarettes like a motherfucker and i really like when girls also smoke cigarettes.--I've never heard of cigarette smoking being a turn on.  Until now.  You probably also actively look for a girl who still has the track marks from the drano she shoots up weirdo.  

7. i love beejs.--If you're admitting this on facebook, you've never gotten a "beej".  

 

8. One time a girl told me she wanted to have my eyes--This makes you both tremendously interesting and unique!  Ps who gives a shit?

 

9.  i also caught my hair on fire last year and the patch is still growing back.--Can you say "epic fail"?

 

10.  i really want to work with kids; we relate so well.--I'm glad you can relate to creatures with an undeveloped brain.  Why don't you just admit to having an emotional connection with a betta fish?

 

11.  I like sleeping naked.--File under "things I didn't ever want to know, ever."  

 

12. I grew up listening to a lot of Motown and classic rock, so I have a hard time listening to the cRAP of today.--Really guys?  Are we STILL in 7th grade when it was cool to make the cRAP/Rap association?  Plus, Straight Out of Compton is ten times the album than fucking Highway to Hell orZeppelin IV will ever be. 

 

13.  I really want to visit a leper colony one day--Well.  Okay...

 

14.  I don't know how people throughout time have managed to keep their sanity in regards to the pointlessness of it all.--Then why don't you just kill yourself?  Fuck tits man.  

 

15.  No one is to cool for GOD--I am, but you're too cool for spelling apparently.  

 

16.   Mmmmm I just farted.--Brad dated this girl.  This makes said thing much funnier.  

 

Anyway, I'm at home eating ramen between classes because my phone died and I forgot my book at home.  So alas, I cranked this out.  Coming up next: Worst college fashion trends.  

 

xoxo 

Q: Are you gay or something?

A: No.

For some reason or another, I've gotten this question a lot throughout my life.  Maybe it comes from being a pasty white kid.  Maybe it comes from the fact that the things I'm most concerned about don't involve lifting weights, protein powder, and ending every sentence with "bro".  Or, more than likely, maybe it comes from the fact that I'm the first one to make gay jokes about myself.  But is any of that really relevant towards my sexual orientation?  Nah.  

I'm not offended by it really; in fact, I'd prefer that people asked and then knew I wasn't as opposed to going through life thinking I was.  I just find it sort of amusing that because I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to make cocksucking jokes galore, people assume that I'm actually serious when I say things like that.  I mean yes, basing it of just words, it probably does seem like "oh well Joe just admitted to sucking cocks for coke".  However, I don't do cocaine, so why would me sucking cocks be any more likely in the statement?  I don't get it, but whatever.  

It's not like I'm lacking the typical guy points either.  My apartment is probably more messy than most guys I know.  I have as legitimate opinions on sports as most other guys who see the light of day occassionally.  I drink beer because I actually enjoy it.  And, mostly, I'll objectify women just as much as most other guys.  But, on the other hand, yes, I can quote Legally Blonde, drink Sangria, and openly admit to crying during Pan's Labyrinth and giving a microcosm of a shit about how I look when I leave the house in the morning.  

So, in summation, I'm not gay, if anyone was wondering.  I call it being well-rounded.  Another question though: Am I offended by it?  Not really.

hugs and anal,

Joe

You'll never make it out of this apartment alive

I like living on my own a lot.  In fact, it's arguably the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I've learned way more about basic life skills since I've moved out of my parents place than I did when I was inside of it.  I can cook, clean, and deal with minor emergencies on my own as opposed to having to rely on someone else.  I'm also in the process of learning how to take care of some basic auto maintenance on my own, but that's neither here nor there.  What I want to discuss today is living with roommates.  Unfortunately, as long as I've been living with roommates, I've had some less than stellar ones.  

When I was living in a dorm, my roommate was spoiled, closet gay kid who was whacked out on downers all the time.  Rooming with him was actually not that bad.  We never really fought, and the only time there was any sort of tension was when I would have like three friends in town for the weekend, and we would come home retardedly drunk and noisy at like 2 or 3 am.  It was actually pretty funny for the most part watching him whine to his friends about really trivial rich kid shit.  I also viewed it as a bit of a game of clue.  He was from my hometown, and several of my friends had known him prior to me rooming with him.  The overwhelming majority were all convinced that he was gay, but no one was quite sure.  After a year of rooming with him, I was still kind of unsure myself.  In fact, to this day, I have no idea if he's gay.  Sure, he watched shows like the OC and America's Next Top Model, but he also I guess tried to cover this up by talking about girls with me, and he did actually own a Girls Next Door calender.  If I had to guess, my roommate probably was gay, but I will be damned if I had any sort of conclusive evidence I guess.  I mean, I really don't care all that much,  but I just find it very funny when I meet people who know him, that's the first question I get.  Even his ex girlfriend, with whom I shared a class, asked that question.

Moving on down the list of roommates to the current situation, I ended up going with randomly assigned roommates this year in an off campus apartment.  I was originally kind of skeptical as to the kids I was rooming with (facebook is a wonderful tool for forming prejudices), but for the first few months, things were actually pretty fun.  There was a solid amount of substance abuse and a steady flow of attractive girls.  But after a while, the constant dissarray of the living room , the 2:30 AM fucking hurricanes, the constant usage of all of my shit, and just everything else got to be way too much.  Unfortunately for me, my three roommates all know each other, so I am in the overwhelming minority.  To them, it's okay to leave piles of dirty dishes in the living room, and it's alright to use whatever happens to be in the fridge, even if they didn't pay for it.  My roommates, for the most part, are completely spoiled.  None of them understand how difficult it is to get a job and just assume that if they needed one, they could find one in a minute.  

It's hard to watch people be so clueless and spoiled.  Don't get me wrong, my roommate Mike is actually really cool, and I do like him.  The other two are practically invalids though.  There is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about being a dickhead frat boy wearing Ed Hardy shirts.  Similarly, there is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about someone who spends their days doing nothing but ordering wingzone and just watching youtube videos all day.  

So mostly, be careful with roommates.  Don't leave the people you are going to be living with up to chance.  If you have to leave some up for chance, you're better off making sure you have at least half of the people of your residence on your side, then at least confrontation becomes an option.  And if you can room with people who, while not your absolute best friends, room with people that you can get along well with and have a good time with.  Hopefully, I'll be able to take all of my own advice finally in August.  

xoxox

Joe