I just crossed everything out and wrote "Sarah Palin"

I'm too easy going.

I'm absolutely convinced of this following everything that I've ever done. Well, not ever done, but following most of the things I've done. Of all the people I know, I tend to be one of the one's who will never really get offended by anything people say. I dunno, I guess I was just raised with pretty thick skin for the most part. So, I should make it abundantly clear that when I say "I only dish out what I can take", I can really take a whole lot and just shrug it off.

This is why overly sensitive people absolutely fucking infuriate me. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't take a joke that makes fun of you, you really need to grow up and become more confident. Hell, I make more jokes about MYSELF than other people. And I'm not even the most confident asshole on the planet.

So pretty much, all I have to say is please, fucking grow up people. I wouldn't talk to you if I completely meant everything that came out of my retarded mouth. Now let's go have a beer at 10 am. That's what college is for. Beer drinking, not drama starting. Anyway, I'm cooking up a Tostinos Pizza in the oven, and then going to begin the long, arduous process of packing. Yes, it's thanksgiving this week, and I'm going to actually visit home for the first time in months. Awesome huh? See you shitheads when I get back!

-Joe

Albucrazy!i!i!i!

So, sometimes I sit down in front of my computer, and open up blogspot to post, and I'm just at a loss for words. It happens. I mean, let's face it, I've cranked out some pretty good entries, but also a couple of real stinkers. Now normally, I end up writing a pretty good entry to bounce back from the shitty, inspirationless ones. Tonight, I sat down and honestly believe that the blog I was about to crank out was going to be a stinker. And then god, for once in my life, threw me a bone. And this bone is called Brokencyde.

Now, the word itself (consequently, the name for what is inarguably the shittiest group of human beings attempting to make sounds and record them), didn't mean anything to me. That was, until I saw this video, which you all must watch too, or the rest of what I have to say will make no sense, and our common perception of what is "terrible" will not ever jive:



Now, are you done watching that? Good.

Wow. That is my only sensical reaction to that. I can't possibly put into words what I'm feeling, nor can I adequately describe what my facial expression was upon hearing a chunk of their discography. I mean. I really have thought many a time that I've heard some of the worst music ever. I really really thought that there could not be much worse than Four Letter Lie, or Hinder, or fuck, any number of horribly shitty bands that I've been subjected to throughout the years. But no. Apparently, I was very fucking wrong.

I mean, I could sit here and senselessly rant, but why rant when I can just use unbiased descriptions to show how bad they are, and hopefully convince everyone to listen to them? I mean, the first song I heard was the video that I posted above, a particularly difficult turd to swallow known as "Freaxxx". I mean, the chorus is literally "Let's get freaky/let's get fucking freaky now". But also, add in some awesome screeches of "LIAR" by some guy who sounds like an 8 year old throwing a temper tantrum. For anyone who has ever seen that video where that kid's older siblings were giving him shit over his myspace and he was freaking out and screeching, that is pretty much what this dude sounds like. Unfortunately, I don't have that video, mostly because I'm a total dickhead, and well, you know. Whatever.

Anyway, some of the other gems include a cover of the Flo-Rida song "Low". You know, the apple bottom jeans song or something like that. Yeah, imagine the shittiness of that song, but instead of the marginally catchy melody, it's replaced with the same screeching. Yeah. And it only gets worse. I mean. Fuck. They even named a song "BREE BREE" (Bree, for those unaware, is the "screamo" style of screaming that is pretty much incoherant and unhealthy screaming). I mean, I'm really at a loss. I can't tell if this is the best, funniest, and most self-aware joke band to ever exist, or just the absolute worst group of musicians on the entire planet. I'm really vexed as to if this group is actually trying to be good or not. I just can't believe that anyone could try to be this bad.

I mean, okay. There are certain things that kinda signal to me that it has to be a joke. I mean, look at their genres on myspace. Crunk/screamo/techno. And I mean, that sounds like a funny combination, but it's actually semi-accurate in this case, and it scares me to think that a band actually makes music with this sound as a target. So I mean, maybe it isn't a joke. What if they are actually serious? I mean, we elected a black president in 2008. Not much is honestly far out of the question anymore. I'm suddenly confronted with the thought of the possibility of something so absolutely terrible existing that maybe the republicans were right and Obama is actually the anti-christ rising.

But, just so I can sleep, I'm going to believe that this band is just meant to be funny. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, tomorrow I'm getting new tires, which excites me quite a bit. I'm ready to not be squealing everywhere I drive.

-Joe

Cocoa Pebbles

So have you ever felt like you're wasting your life?

I don't mean the "I sit around with my thumb jammed in my ass picking belly button lint" kind of wasting your life. I mean the "what the fuck am I doing with myself, the best nights of my life I'll never remember" kind of wasting your life. It seems dumb really; why drink to the point where the details of the night before start rolling in throughout the next day as opposed to just waking up and remembering everything. But for some reason, there is nothing like alcohol to make you do some pretty hilariously amazing things, and have a fucking unrestricted good time.

I'm not trying to advocate alcoholism. In fact I think that people who can't handle their liquor and get hammered and get behind the wheel of a car with no seatbelt and drive at a thousand miles an hour shouldn't be allowed to touch the shit. But for those of us who can control ourselves to not do something completely retarded, drinking shouldn't be looked down upon. It's not cowardice to go out and get drunk and have a good time. People who are straight-edge and judge people by this are just petty dicks.

So go out, get fucked, and give up the keys. Be safe and be dangerous, just be dangerous in the safe ways.

-Joe

Jesus: "Suck My Taint"

I spend far too much time binging on caffeine lately.

It's true. I mean, I guess the idea of needing an IV drip of caffeine kinda goes hand in hand with being a college student. Papers must be done at the absolute last minute after days of procrastination and nearly constant facebooking. Readings must be all but forgotten until 2 am right before trying to go to sleep. Parties always take precedence over sleep (at least on my list of priorities). It's pretty funny to be so completely reliant on coffee to even be able to act someone enthused about the prospect of going to the same shitty classes with the same mostly-shitty people every few days.

But it's shit like staying up late and cranking out a story like I did the other night, that makes it all worth it. Honestly, I've never written something that I had such a blast writing, even though it meant sacrificing all sleep for days on end. Anyway, I guess I really don't have much to say today. Isn't that boring? Oh well. I'm just gonna post a link to my story, since I'm a self-indulgent mother fucker.

Fiction paper what?

PS: It's 16 pages, have fun with that mess.

-Joe

The shape of drunks to come

Howdy,

So after a slew of serious entries, my brain has started to hurt from all of the pseudo-intellectual rebellion taking place inside the 4 cozy walls of AtHoT. While it's fun to write about intelligent things once in a while, sometimes, one just needs to embrace their inner dude and rant about the grossest/most douchefest beers ever (the eventual point of this entry). So, to put myself into the right frame of mind for such an foray, I've got Guns 'n' Roses "Appetite For Destruction" blasting in my room, and I'm at home right now prepping some homemade chicken wings. Unfortunately, I'm out of beer, and as much as wings and beer sounds pretty amazing, I've got no way of getting ahold of the latter at the moment. This sucks, but I guess it's unavoidable at times being underage and all.

Speaking of underage though, 3 weeks from now is my 20th birthday. I know, this is a pretty uneventful birthday in all regards, and especially so because mine is on a Tuesday this year, but I figure that this birthday cannot possibly be any worse than my last birthday (which I spent driving back up to Orlando from being home for the weekend [Sunday night birthdays are even lamer than Tuesday night birthdays]). So, for all you dedicated readers, I'll be accepting gifts in the form of sexual favors, alcohol, money, hugs, and a coffee maker (because god knows with the amount of sleep I get recently, I need that shit badly). Or, you can come over and clean my apartment, but the EPA already decided against that.

Anyway so, bad beers. A lot of people I know claim that bad beer can't exist. To me, this is just a poor excuse for lack of taste and early alcoholism. Yes, things that get you drunk are mostly preferable over things that don't, but this doesn't mean that some sort of quality control shouldn't be implemented. In fact, it's absolutely necessary to not look like a dumb douche. So, here we go, and yes, this list is absolutely universal and definitive:

Natty Light
Okay, this one is obvious. So obvious in fact, it's almost like making a list of bad music and including Toby Keith and Nickleback or James Blunt or something. It almost goes without saying, but Natty Light is pretty stupendously bad. I mean, firstly over anything, it breaks the man-beer rule by being a light beer. What does this mean? Not only does it have less flavor, but it also has significantly less alcohol than it's slightly more acceptable partner in crime, Natty Ice. Yeah, it's cheap, but so are toothless hookers, and you wouldn't want to fuck one of those in front of your friends, would you?

Bud Light
This is possibly my most despised beer ever for a number of reasons. Again, not only is it a light beer, so it has less alcohol than Budweiser, but it tastes absolutely terrible, and it's no easier to drink than Budweiser is. And it's the EXACT SAME PRICE as Budweiser. So I don't want to hear any of this "oh well we just wanted something cheap so we went for Bud Light". No, just come clean. You wanted something gross, that costs the same as it's manlier and better older brother, because you're watching your waist. Either that, or you're just retarded and think it tastes good. At which point, I already hate you.

Michelob Ultra
Wow so, when did someone decide to make carbonated water alcoholic? This shit is the most worthless beer ever. Again, like most other things on this list, it falls into the light beer category, but unlike some of these light beers, regardless of how bad their taste may be, it actually doesn't taste like anything. I've tasted Orlando tapwater with more of a kick than this shit.

Blue Moon
Okay, so I have to go against popular consensus here. Yeah, I used to enjoy Blue Moon, but recently, I've begun to realize how really not that great it is, and especially for the price. Something about it has just recently become incredibly off putting. In fact, I kinda look back at myself, the douche who used to enjoy Blue Moon, and shudder for being so pretentious. I shouldn't need an orange, or any other fruit for that matter, to enjoy my beer. Which leads me into my next one...

Corona
Wow, Corona is patently horrible. And don't even start in on the whole "oh you need to have it with a lime..." malarky. Why would I drink a beer that needs a crutch. That's like saying "hey natty light is great, you just have to coat your tongue with a anesthetic first". No. This logic does not fly. Take your shitty douchefag beer far away from me please.

Coors Light
Have you taken large amounts of steroids and require an undetectable diuretic? Well, that's about the only thing that Coors Light is good for.

Schlitz
Schlitz is a beer that can only best be summed up by a line in Super Troopers:

"Let me get 6 Schlitz"
"We don't have Schlitz"
"Fuck it, then whatever is free"

Busch/Busch Light
The official beer of being homeless. Even though it's the same price as High Life, most homeless people have gotten to where they are because they made bad decisions, and this one is no different.

Miller Genuine Draft
Typical American garbage. No, it's not a very unique or cool beer to drink, and it tastes like you just got off a shift at Moe's. Don't even bother

So tomorrow I'm spending my day writing a fiction manuscript that is due sometime soon. It's about a guy who graduates from a prestigious school at the top of his class and is forced to take a job writing obituaries for a small town paper. So he does lots of pills and has a secret fetish for enemart. If only I was kidding. Anyway.

-Joe

Yes this is why I love ice water as well my friend

I've realized that I'm different.

And no, I don't really mean this in the shallow way that most people who claim to be different do. I have similar interests to enough people, and my mannerisms aren't really foreign to anyone (at least I'd hope not), and really, my routines aren't all that different from most people my age either (school, drink, sleep, hangover, repeat!). But what is different is my destination and everyone else's. Actually, I take part of that back. Everyone is far too general to make much sense out of it. Mostly everyone else's. I think that's at least a little more fair. And it all leads back to the American dream.

The American dream. It's a funny concept to me, and I've never really quite gotten it. The white picket fence, the golden retriever/dalmatian/whatever super Americana pet you can think of, the wife and two kids, the car in the drive way, a comfortable mortgage, and health insurance for the whole family. Maybe I'm just commitaphobic, but there is something about all of that responsibility and safety that makes me shout a resounding "fuck that".

Hell, I don't care if it sounds somewhat immature or borderline ridiculous. My thoughts right now are etched on the internet, and in my brain, neither of which are permanent fixtures of history. And who knows? Maybe in time I'll want a wife and kids and house and neighbors and responsibilities, but for right now, I'm down for just being a starving 20 something artist and college student, hoping to break into either music or writing sooner or later, getting piss ass wasted most weekends, and wanting to see all of the corners of the world.

-Joe

Colt 45's and Pall Malls?

So it's 9:15 am right now. Last night I went out to a place called I-Bar (I think it's actually called the Independent, but local colloquialisms rule over all as far as I'm concerned), and it was generally a pretty good/drunk time. I talked to some really cute 26 year old conference coordinator from Jacksonville, and things were going well until she "realized" that I was only 21, about to turn 21. And by "realized", what I really meant was that I apparently told her that when confronted with such a question. It's cool though, she was still really sociable and not weirded out at all that she clearly wanted to sleep with someone underage, heh. I had like four or five beers and then a Joose, which is an 24oz can filled with 10% alcohol and caffeine, taurine, and guarana. It's actually the weirdest thing ever, because it only took until like a quarter of the way through the Joose to feel pretty drunk, and by the time I had finished it, I felt really intoxicated and just loose as hell.

Anyway, my main point of all of this was not to toot my own good looking horn, but to illustrate the disconnect between the levels of intoxication faced last night, and the fact that I'm up right now, at not even ten o'clock, having a single person dance party in my bedroom to Atom and His Package. I mean, I know it sounds really goofy as fuck, but for some reason, I feel absolutely no hangover whatsoever. In fact, I feel like I'm really ready to take on the world this morning. Normally, this only happens after I wake up with a can of Sparks and some really gross food that, for the sake of my colon's general health, I shouldn't eat. But hey, I'm not complaining at all.

So the other day, I'm sitting in creative writing (the geographic center of funny in my life, or so it seems), and we have an excercise where we were supposed to make two quick character sketches, exchange them with other people, and then make a ten line dialogue. Of course, the one girl who trades with me is a really straight laced Christian girl, so she gives me a character sketch that she prefaced with "don't judge me if this is really weird". The characters were like an old man who was a retired exorcist who loved his 6 year old grand daughter who liked Peter fucking Pan and was bright and cheery. So needless to say, because it was so happy and cheery, there was absolutely no way to inject profanity into my dialogue, it was patently terrible. However, my friend Alex got two characters which were actually workable, a dorky and sensitive theater major and a jacked up bro who relates everything to football, which he immediately turned into the most side-splittingly funny rape scene ever. See guys, rape can be funny. In fact, totally faux pas shit can always be funny in literature because it's just that--literature. How the hell do you think Dave Barry makes a living?

People need to sack up and take music, and art in general with a grain of salt. It's not shit to get offended over. It's culture, and even the "worst" parts of culture still shape the "best" parts of it.

-Joe

I want to choke that bitch called rockstars

I met Russ Rankin once, and he was the weirdest person on the planet.

Don't get me wrong, I love his bands (Only Crime/Good Riddance), but the man has less tact than I do, and that's a pretty big accomplishment. I remember this one time, I made some friends of mine who were on a tour a big pan of spaghetti and a huge pan of house salad because I knew that the venue they were playing at was shady as hell and probably wouldn't have given them money for dinner. So, being a nice (and poor) college student, I made like 5 dollars worth of dinner and got into the show for free. And here, I met Russ Rankin. I went up to him to tell him that he and whoever else was playing with him, was welcome to eat whatever they like. And his reaction was pretty ridiculous. He literally sat there and stared and then said "okay" and then went right back to Sidekicking away. Not a thanks, nothing. That's just weird. Like really, someone comes up to you and is all like "hey I did something cool for you" and that kinda response. I mean, not that I'm all butthurt or anything (this actually came up as a result of talking with my friends who were on tour with him at the time), but I just think it leads nicely into the main point of this

I'll never take some of the best bands on the planet seriously.

For all of the talent that some bands have, I'll just never be able to take them seriously. Inflated rock star attitudes are just so difficult to comprehend. The only thing that separates us from them is a stage. Sure, some assholes have money, and cocaine, and lots of vaginas that you could probably go spalunking in, but aside from that, we are all the same. Hell, some dudes in bands that no one cares about even have this attitude, and it makes no sense.

How can we stop this? Stop the idolatry of dudes/chicks in bands. For real, they are just people who play music for money (or, in some cases, for no money). I know plenty of them (and I'm not just saying that to sound cool), and they are all fairly normal people. The mundane aspects of their life are no more exciting than the mundane aspects of our lives. There is no reason that musicians should be put up on a pedastle. Treat them like regular human beings and not animals, and there is a good chance they will be nice back. And if they aren't, and they do succumb to acting like some dick rockstar, they'll wash out in due time.

Anyway, here's some stuff I like:

Falaffle and Hummus Gyro
I had one of these for the first time in Gainesville this past weekend, and it was shockingly good. I thought all vegetarian food was supposed to be really not very good, but after trying one of these, I'm shocked how tasty and filling it was. Granted, I don't think I could ever become a vegetarian, but it's good to push your food boundaries and try new stuff. I would have never thought that I would have enjoyed it, but it was honestly one of the best new discoveries I've made recently.

Pabst Blue Ribbon
Old, but I just have to reiterate what an awesome beer this is. Really, for partying, it's hard to go wrong with PBR. Great for just drinking, or shotgunning, or chugging, or whatever.

Central Florida Future
It's UCF's school paper for those not in the know. And the only reason this is on here, is because the day after the election, there was absolutely no coverage of the election. However, there was a piece that came up with the observation that 2-6 UCF's hopes for winning the Eastern Division of C-USA was becoming slimmer.

Traveling
This reminds me. I'm going to a big party in Michigan this summer called Short Shorts/No Sleeves. Now, I'm not obviously going just for a party, but I also want to travel, and this at least gives me a good destination. My car can fit 7 people total, meaning I'm willing to take 6 others. Gas will be fairly cheap for a road trip if I get the car packed. Hell, even with 4 other people, it would be really easy. So, let's do it. I want to hit up Chicago and Cleveland along the way too. July 3rd. Let's do it.

-Joe

Welcome to the Black House

So after about a week off and no really good entries, I am back to entertain you retards in what can only be described as the nether regions of the internet (I'm the balls, Monday Morning Hangover is the asshole, and Perez Hilton would fit somewhere around the grundle I think).

So the silly election is finally over and hopefully people will go back to being blissfully apathetic for the next four years until Barack Obama rises at the inauguration as the black anti-Christ or some shit that I read on a myspace bulletin. And this, hopefully, will be the last time I have to talk about politics ever again. I'm excited. I think we're setting ourselves up for a better place than we've been in the past 8 years, although I'm fully aware that it's going to take a lot of work. Anyway, end politics. Now

So let's play the list awesome things that Joe did this weekend game:
Shotgunned beers
Ate pizza, calzones, and burritos almost exclusively.
Shotgunned beer inside of a portapotta
Tried a falaffel and hummus gyro for the firs time
Saw Rehasher
Saw Ann Berretta but don't remember it
Warehouse shows
Shotgunned two beers inside of a Cheveron
SAW LEATHERFACE
Frankie Stubbs=voldemort
Almost drunken tattoo
Paint it Black in the back of a fucking uhaul
Horse cops
shotgunning beers in front of The Venue
Municipal Waste is gonna FUCK YOU UP
Atom and His Package
Crust-punk sorority cutie
New Lawrence Arms and Swellers songs!
Essentially the best weekend ever.

I won't go into more details than that, but this weekend was pretty much unbelievable. The Fest is always a great time (and I say this after two times of going). It's kinda funny to see the crowd there though, especially some of the Plan-It-X kids.

For those not in the know, Plan-it-X is a record label notorious for recording and signing really like anarchist folksy bands like Defiance, OH and stuff like that. And their fans are all pretty goofy I guess you could say. None of their fans really bother to shower, wear deodorant, or brush their teeth. I guess they are trying to not support the idea of corporations and what not. So they bike everywhere (I guess because Shwinn is alright!), and like to live in abandoned houses and what not and usually are strict vegan and probably smoke Skydancers. I mean I dunno, do what you want, but I just think it's pretty goofy to be upping the punx by not maintaining hygeine. I mean, if we measure how punk rock things are by how much they piss off your grandmother, which I like to do, then not showering or adhereing to basic hygeine would probably be the most punxxx thing you could ever do. But I mean, that shits just kinda gross. In fact, here's a fun little list. How about best ways to still "fuck the man, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan" and still maintain hygeine.

Vote
Easy way. Yes, I just mentioned that politics suck, but voting for a third party candidate that you agree with is the best way to eventually (and hopefully) morph this country into a 3-4 major party system. Go out there and do it!

Take the bus, or ride a bike
Save money, and don't buy gas all at the same time. Brilliant.

Shop at local grocery stores or farmers markets
You can find a lot of good stuff here generally, and it is also from all local places, so you aren't helping out the conglomerates.

Run for office
Hey, it's getting more shit done than not showering is.

Shop at thrift stores
That way you are only supporting the MAN indirectly.

Hell, I can't think of any others. I guess I'm not org enough. Well fuck my life wholly. I'm gonna go not take a shower and then go get my cellphone fixed.

-Joe

God I fucking hate this

I hate writing about politics. Honestly, I hate politics in general. To me, politics and elections are about the equivalent of getting some major dental work done. It's not fun, it's almost downright painful, and it happens about once every couple of years. Hell, people get so fucking wound up about shit when normally they wouldn't give two shits.

Presidential elections like this one turn every asshole into a Tampa Bay Rays fan. The parallels are uncanny when you think about it, and it stems from both parties. Rays start getting popular to love, and it starts becoming popular to call Obama anything from a terrorist to a socialist. I dunno man, I just think it's really retarded to attack someone for being inexperienced, and then automatically assume that he's going to be a terrible president. I mean, if he's inexperienced, then it should be pretty obvious that you don't really know what living under him is going to be like, so why not just give him a chance?

After George Bush illegitimately won the election in 2000, and after the month or so of shitty boring recounts and uncertainty, even I was ready to move on. Yelling and screaming and pitching a fit over a president being elected that you really didn't even give a shit about even 6 months ago is pretty futile, especially after the election. So really, why doesn't everyone just give the man a chance? The election is over, and all your goddamn facebook statuses are not going to change the results.

I'm gonna go sleep off my fest aids.

Peace,

-Joe