Only three hours and then it's motherfucking MILLER TIME!

Hello all. Today I had class, which wasn't very fun, especially after being up until 2 the night prior and having one of my roommates come in right as I was getting into bed screaming "I'M FUCKING BLACKED OUT". Funny as hell? Oh yes. Difficult to sleep through? Quite. Ah well, I had a nice nap this afternoon, which balances out the not having slept last night thing. The only downside to said nap was missing both College Football Live and NFL Live. Pretty epic fail, but I mean, I guess I'll just have to do something really manly tonight like go to the gym and crank the most meatheaded music I have while lifting LOTS OF WEIGHTS. Anyway, I'm currently in the midst of getting ready to cook dinner, but I think as a guy it's essential to the quintessential dudeness to like football and drink beer, so I feel as if that is a topic that needs to be discussed within. Thus, the official list of Joe's all time favorite beers, and the most appropriate places/times/patterns to consume said beer.

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon-
A lot of people give Pabst shit for being a super cheap beer, but fuck that. There are very few beers outwardly cooler (in the unique, traditional sense, particularly with the packaging), cheaper, and better tasting than PBR. It's pretty light and pilsner style, which I normally don't advocate, but PBR blows any other pilsner-style lage out of the water. Plus, it's like 7.99 for a 12-pack, and let's face it, the extra dollar is better for a beer that is good for drinking at nearly any temperature (I'm looking at you, High Life). In terms of appropriate places to consume Pabst Blue Ribbon, pretty much anywhere is good. It's a really easy beer to chug, so it's very much suitable for beer pong, beer funnels, etc. It's also not too heavy, so it's really good for a hot day spent tailgating as well (which kind of implies beer pong and funnels, but regardless). Unacceptable places of consumption: funerals. The one drawback is that it is very difficult to find south of Orlando, and even then, it's not very easy to find at gas stations up here. Dumb college kids.

2. Yuengling-
Definitely my favorite darker lager. Great full flavor, and kicks the piss out of Sam Adams in terms of overall taste, the "unique" appeal, and the fact that it tastes like a beer that should be much more expensive than it is. Plus, it's an American beer, so you automatically get points for not being the product of outsourcing. Yuengling unfortunately is one of those beers that is pretty temperature-sensitive. Warm, it is pretty much not very good at all (it goes without saying that almost all beers are better cold, but some are at least tolerable warm). However, at a reasonably cold temperature, Yuengling is pretty much perfect. This is a good beer for sitting inside and watching football, particularly because heavy lagers are pretty much a sure case of bubbleguts in the sun. Plus, you also have that "I'm not an elitist Wild Blue drinking douche" look when you're knocking back a Yuengling at the bar.

3. St. Pauli Girl-
In my humble mind, the best German beer around. Heiniken is alright, but criminally overrated. Plus it's become such a hip and trendy "guido" beer that you just look like a typical dildo with a blowout if you are drinking one. Becks is also great too, don't get me wrong. I love a good Becks, but St Pauli Girl (the alcoholic version obviously, since the only people who drink NA beer are pretty much relapsed recovering alcoholics) is just really fucking great all around. The best part is that it offers a great, thick flavor while still being very drinkable. If you feel like getting hammered, St. Paulis is a great beer to spring for.

4. Budweiser-
This is pretty much loaded with personal bias, as I grew up in a predominantly Budweiser household. It's the most generic American lager you can pretty much drink, but it isn't bad at all in that regards. You get more man points for drinking Budweiser than Bud light or Miller Lite if only because you don't look like a giant calorie obsessed puss. Sure, there are plenty of beers that have a better taste, but Budweiser has the most solid combination of taste, price, and alcohol content (higher than any light beer pretty much). Besides, if you are that worried about calories, drink a vodka soda. Shit is completely fat free.

5. Stella Artois-
Kind of the lone wolf in terms of expensive beers on this list. I prefer good budget beers anyday over the expensive stuff, but Stella is pretty great. Plus I mean, it's got a foil top. That's an automatic win right there. Great light wheat flavor, even though it borders on the expensive side.

6. Killian's Irish Red-
I broke my personal ban on all Coors products once I discovered this little corporate gem. Great dark lager, although not a beer you want to get completely shithoused on. That has proven to be bad news time and time again. Trust me, this shit is kind of like a retard: it doesn't look very dangerous, but mess with it too much and you'll end up in the grass shitting your pants and covered in your own vomit with a cleaning bill for a hundred bucks. I prefer to drink Killian's usually with a meal. It's good for upscale football food (wings, pizza, ribs, etc), but not so great with the typical swill (pork rinds, bean dip, salsa, etc).

7. Rogue Dead Guy-
Now this is a beer I have pretty limited experience in, but the few times I have had the chance to give it a shot, it's been wholly excellent. Thick and rich, with just a hint of sweetness make this pretty much the best pizza beer I've ever tried. It's expensive, but really, you only need a pint of this to feel pretty full. Never a beer to drink in excess, but definitely great for a good meal beer.

8a. Miller Lite-
Fuck. This one pains me to admit, primarily because it's such a chick beer. But even I can't deny that for a light beer, this is at the top of the pile. Really, light beers are not designed for male consumption, and I'm definitely more of an Anheuser-Busch proponent, but no doubt, Miller Lite>Bud Light in all aspects. Plus I mean. I kinda feel obligated to include this on the list since "Only three hours and then it's motherfucking MILLER TIME" makes me laugh like hell. So there's that. Also, there is a bar near by that does trivia on Friday nights (don't they all?) but also has 5 for $8 Miller Lite buckets. At that cheap, even I can afford to get drunk. This says a lot since I just spent the past hour trying to hock my scratched up Pennywise cds from the olden years when I used to suck at life.

8b. Miller High Life-
So there is pretty much a tie for 7th, and here's why. High Life is essentially the Bud Ice of the Miller brewing company. It's cheap, it's got more alcohol than any other American Cheap Beer, and it's really really good...but only when it's seriously ice cold. Thankfully Miller was smart and designed it in a unique, very hydrodynamic bottle that is great for drinking this fast. Miller Lite and High Life are two very different beers. Both are Pilsners, but honestly, that's where the similarities end. Miller Lite is really good tasting at most temperatures, and it's easy to stomach a lot of them; High Life is only good tasting at really cold temperatures, and even then, it's heavier body makes it difficult to down a fuck ton of them. However, High Life has A LOT more alcohol than Lite, so it almost makes up for the fact that you can't stomach as many. Also, High Life is only $7 for a 12 pack at most places, and plenty of bars do High Life Bottles for between $1-$2. Make sense? I sure hope not.

10. Amstel Light-
Aha. Talk about a girly beer. If you're caught drinking this at a bar, chances are that it's at Mad Hatters in downtown Lake Worth (probably the most outwardly gay bar there is, even though there are bars with gayer names [Harry's Banana Farm anyone?]). But even for being such an outwardly chick beer, even I can't deny that Amstel Light tastes damn good. Not a beer I would really consider buying very often, if ever (import pricing is no fun at all), but if someone else is buying, I'm totally down for a round of one of the most criminally underrated beers ever.

Well at least that list came out a little more balanced than I had originally assumed it would. These next few days are going to be pretty busy for me. Sometime soon, I need to work up a budget to figure out how much to kill myself with student loans, and then go out and attain said student loans without having a single bank up here. Isn't that lame? Sure is. I've also got a lot of reading to do for class, but honestly, I'll do that the night before the test. Which brings me to a good discussion point:

You ever sit in a class room and realize that nearly everyone who surrounds you is a complete dildo? Well good ladies/sirs, welcome to both my World Lit class and my creative writing class. Filled with all of the obnoxious personality types that just drive me up the fucking wall. We'll start with world lit because I know at least one person from that class reads it and she'll probably get a kick out of it (hi Amy!). You've got the prentious dickwad who probably studies way too much and chastises people when they clearly haven't read the pages for the discussion that he's leading. God fucking forbid that we are college students with much better things to do such as drinking and fornicating with people we otherwise wouldn't unless we drank that 5th of Jim Beam. You've got the obnoxious butch woman behind you, always coming up with an opinion on EVERYTHING. Don't forget super anal overachiever either! He likes to be in charge of everything and be a complete tightwad when it comes to the presentation about a text towards the class. MUST. GET. 100. PERCENT. FUCK. Moving on, then you've got the annoying feminist who clearly needs a good deep dicking before she explodes in a rage of "SOCIETY IS SURPRESSING MY MASCULINITY". Ugh. Annoying. Go choke on your Virginia Woolfe novel plz.

But there is probably nothing worse than the crowd of pseudo artsy assholes in a creative writing class. Wow. Firstly, you've got douchefag hipster indie kid in his fucking docksiders and plaid shirts who writes phallocentric poems about Rivers Cuomo that suck more dick than a Parramore hooker. How about the surpressed indie kid who is just way too melodramatic for his own good? Seriously dude? Being depressed isn't cool and doesn't make you seem misunderstood. You know what it does make you? A dildo. A big, black dildo. You've got the complete dipshit in the back of class who thinks prose ranting about how girls don't like the nice guys qualifies as fucking poetry. Sigh. Just so many dildos. Everywhere. It's times like these I borderline regret changing my major.

Anyway, today I'm going to Hot Dog Heaven and indulging in the aforementioned amazing Chicago Hot Dog (in case you haven't been able to put 2 and 2 together, yes, I did write this blog over the course of 2 days). Shit is so elite in the food world. In closing, here is a fun little lyric:

No more conversation
You should took me out when you had the chance
All the rooms were numbered
And the losers turned away
Don't turn away

Lust and anal,

Joe