Your face look Ed Zachary like your ass

Working in a restaurant, you see some pretty interesting things. The requests that someone has about the preparation of their food can be very telling of many of their personality aspects. I mean, one of my good friends I know personally enjoys honey mustard on his french fries. Personally, I think that's kinda weird, and to be honest, I don't really taste anything extraordinarily different. It's not like the honey mustard morphs the taste of the french fries, other than the very cosmetic fact that, yes, these french fries taste like they are coated in honey mustard. Maybe I'm weird though, because I generally enjoy fries with any sort of seasoning on them, to have a side of ranch. Anyway, this isn't all about french fries and dipping sauces. This is about getting meat cooked, and I mean that without any sexual connotations involved.

The way you get your meat cooked, particularly on steaks, can be really telling. For my money, the only way to get steak cooked is medium rare (warm red center, for those not in the know). Personally, I think this is just about the perfect temperature to get steak done. It gets it warm so it's actually like it's cooked, but preserves a lot of the juices and keeps the steak very tender. Now, if it's kind of cheap, sometimes I'll cook it up to medium, just to be on the safe side. Medium loses a bit of the juices and a little bit of the flavor, but still keeps it warm and reddish pink on this inside, and still pretty good. But, for the most part, medium rare is the way to go.

What really bugs me is when people get steaks (and good steaks mind you, from my work) cooked well done. If you're not too well versed in steak temperatures, or what effect cooking has on steak, here's a rule of thumb: the more you cook steak, the less flavor it ultimately has. Getting a steak well done is ultimately asking for a 10-20 dollar sneaker. It's chewy, has no flavor, and isn't enjoyable at all. I can understand getting a steak well done for your child, because mostly, they don't know any better, and are apt to cover it in all sorts of shit anyway (more on this later). But if you're an adult, and getting a steak well done, really, re-evaluate your life immediately. You are essentially paying for an expensive piece of meat to taste like outside seasonings. Hell, if you get a steak well done like that, you might as well go to fucking Cracker Barrel, and not Outback motherfucking STEAKHOUSE. I'm sorry, but the fact of the matter is, if you get a steak well done, you've already lost my respect. I don't respect anyone with such a gross absence of taste.

What is even more infuriating though, is hearing this: "I want that steak well done, and can I get a LARGE side of A1/Ketchup/monkey semen/etc". Why would you want A1/ketchup/monkey semen/etc? Oh, is it because your steak is too dry? Really? Well that happens when you get it cooked well done, where it has almost no juices, btw. You know, if you hadn't been such a flaming fucking idiot, you could have just gotten it medium rare to medium, and it would have had all of its own juices. It's a really cool thing that steak does actually. It stays moist itself, so you don't have to slather it in fucking A1 sauce. On that note, why would anyone enjoy A1 sauce anyway? It really tastes like oxen diarrhea.

In conclusion, I think enjoying well done meat, with whatever horrible sauce you guys put on it, is equivalent to drinking Bud Light. You're a wimp. You can't handle something that is clearly better than what you're consuming, because you are a bastion of accepting mediocrity and being unexceptional. Go worship Tim Tebow, and drink your goddamn bud light, and eat your chewy fucking dried out black stripper vag steak, you bastion of neo-Americanism.

xoxo

-Joe