My glass tables are covered with bleach and brandy snifters

Aloha motherfuckers.

Phew, long weekend for sure. Too much homework, and I didn't even get it all done. Thankfully, my expert bullshitting is very handy at times like this when I need to pretend to read something that I didn't. Nonetheless, it was a good weekend outside of the horrendous UCF football game, nearly getting mugged less than 300 feet from my apartment, and the fact that I was still drunk when I was awoken at 9:30 on Sunday morning by friends who I had planned to go to the beach with. Oh well, c'est la vie.

But that shit is all boring. I mean honestly, who gives two shits about the more mundane aspects of my life? Hell, I hardly give a shit about them. What I do give a shit about is that I'm finally going to be able to see Against Me! for the first time in well over a year in a club venue. They've played in Gainesville quite a few times, and in Orlando once in a club venue since I've been up here, but I've missed all of them for one reason or another. Against Me! is a really great band still, and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. Even though Tom Gabel is a ninny who likes Coldplay. Jerk!

So today was another one of those fun days in creative writing of workshopping poems, and as per usual, man there are some retards in my class. Seriously, that's probably the worst part about being in a creative writing class. I can only imagine how people even smarter than I fared in this, because some of these people shock me daily. I dunno when being a depressive dildo with an obsession with using phrases like "and it's something like *fill in random, undescriptive word such as: dying, optimism, maybe, maybe not, fleeting, loathing, etc*" and attempting to be so fucking melodramatic became popular or cool, but seriously guys, grow up. There is nothing facinating, interesting, or even slightly attractive about being completely narcissistic and way-too-indie-for-life. Unless you're Thom Yorke, in which case, you get a bye.

So as much as it sucks being under the age of 21, I've come to realize that there is something really rewarding and fun in the pretty sizeable risk being taken by drinking underage and in public. I mean, let's face it, there is something somewhat pathetic about anyone of age doing a beer funnel. It's a tool for the underage high school/college student to get drunk as quickly as possible, before the cops find out and break up whatever party that the underage debauchery is taking place at. Not to completely chastise those of age for drinking to excess, getting completely shitty, and doing a keg stand; in fact, it's cool to see that plenty of my friends have not lost sight of their youth. Most 21+ year olds will openly admit to the fact that drinking became less cool when you were actually allowed to do it. And so here it is, Joe's official list on best strategies and locations for getting trashed as a minor. Although, I probably shouldn't officially condone such an idea, because that could get me in TROUBLE! So just fyi, I don't condone underage drinking. Ever.

Know someone who bartends-
And if you don't know someone who currently bartends, skip to number 2. Bartenders are given a fuckload of leeway for the most part, unless they bartend at an extremely corporate restaurant like Olive Garden or Red Lobster or something. So, chances are, if they know you, they will serve you. And if you don't know a bartender, get to know a server. Servers don't have to show shit to the bartender to get alcohol, and depending on the situation, can be given even more leeway than bartenders. Also, the good part about getting to know a bartender is that it is very possible that they will comp you drinks too, provided you are a consistently great tipper. How much should you tip? My rule is AT LEAST a dollar per beer and $1.50 to $2 for mixed drinks. Good tipping will get you a long way in life.

Go to a local dive and try your luck-
You'd be surprised just how often this works actually. You're probably better off at a local college bar than anywhere else, as their standards for fake IDs are pretty lax, and security will generally just take whatever you are drinking away unless you give them shit about it. Orlando is great for this, as there is always at least one bar that it's easy to get drunk at, and usually at least one bar that is offering up some kind of free drink special. I know one bar around here, the notoriously titled Liquid Cellar (I, as well as many others, suspect that it was named after they realize that by the strike of midnight, everything is soaking fucking wet, like a basement in a hurricane), has free beer all night and like 2 or 3 dollar pitchers of mixed well drinks. I know, sounds gross, and probably is, but for 10 dollars, you can get thoroughly housed off some disgusting well beer and then walk back to campus (conviniently located directly across the street). The best part about this area? There are at least 4 other bars with very similar set ups. Devaney's and TD's also apparently do free bottled beer some nights, which is definitely preferable to the watered down swill that comes out of those taps.

Grow a beard/have large breasts and wear a low-cut top-
These are obviously both very gender specific, however, both are tried and true methods. I've gone into plenty of restaurants (mostly local places, with Buffalo Wild Wings being the primary exception) with a week worth of well-maintained facial hair growth and gotten served without a second question. For girls, having a large rack is pretty much a sure fire way to get whatever you want, so I'm just going out on a limb and assuming that it can probably help you get drunk too.

Go to obscure or unpopular places-
This is actually a pretty great idea, and has a fairly high efficiency rating too. The idea is to go somewhere that most underage kids don't try and drink at very often because they assume it would be too hard, or just wouldn't think of it. Bowling alleys, Chuck-E-Cheese, concerts, and outdoor festivals all fall under this, and it is remarkably easy to get served, or to get someone to get you a drink. From there, most places don't directly wristband you, so it's pretty much smooth sailing from there.

Make friends with the local gas guy-
Gas stations can be hit and miss. Almost always go at night, and (as racist as it sounds) always hit up the gas stations run by Pakistanis or Indians. Very few card, and most have good prices and moderately good selections. It's not as fun as going out and drinking, but you do end up looking good rolling into a party full of underage kids and bringing your own beer, especially if it's something they've never had before. This also works when trying to score 9th grade girls (as completely pedophilic as that sounds, I've never actually gone after a 9th grader after high school, or even after junior year for that matter. Don't judge me.)

The drink you order says a lot about your age-
Bud Light, Miller Light, Natty anything, etc will all probably get you carded. Why? Because they know that a lot of college students view beer as merely a means to an end. Drink beer, and you'll get drunk. While a lot of adults also see beer in a similar manner, a good number of adults will drink beer because they also enjoy the flavor and the way it compliments what they are eating. Why do you think they make Non-alcoholic beer? Many adults genuinely do enjoy the taste of beer. So how can you avoid this? Develop a beer palate. Ask for something slightly unusual or unique; most college students will not go into a bar and ask for a pint of Stella. If you project yourself with confidence and sound like you know what you are talking about, that you order this drink regularly and use the lingo associated with it, you will probably get served. Same goes for mixed drinks: ask for a certain brand of liquor (Tanqueray and Tonic, Stoli and Sprite, Beam and coke, etc) as if money is not an issue, and fork over the debit card to start a tab immediately. If asked for an ID (provided you don't have a fake), either act as if you legitimately lost it, or just hand it over straight away. Most just take a quick scan assuming that most underage people will not bother to even try at that point, and completely not look at the date.

Remember also that certain drinks are ubiquitously high-school, and that most adults do not drink them. Some good examples for decidedly adult drinks would include Margaritas, Manhattans, gin/vodka-tonics, martinis, and anything involving whisky (more specifically bourbon). Also, small talk with the server such as "well, I normally spring for Crown, but I'm feeling a Beam and coke instead tonight I think" can also help make yourself look more natural in the face of drinking underage.

Anyway, I actually just got back from an underage drinking adventure with some very good friends, and thus I felt the need to bring this particular blog to a close. Tomorrow, Bill Clinton is speaking at my school, so this should prove to be pretty interesting. I'm drunk, and definitely in need of sleep, so I'll leave you all with a closing thought.

I'M SEEING AGAINST FUCKING ME ON SATURDAY.

Word,

Joe

The Future is Unwritten

Howdy fellow dildos/dildettes!

I wonder if dildettes would be the feminine form for dildo? Maybe it's dilda? I'm not too sure on that one. What I am sure about is that George O'Leary is the biggest piece of shit in college football ever. I'm normally not one to have much pride in my school's football team because I don't think that you can be even slightly impressive in the grand scheme of the BCS when you are playing in Conference USA against such fucking impressive programs as Rice, Houston, Marshall, UAB, and SMU. Granted, ECU is in there too, and they have had a solid (if completely variable) season thus far. Tulsa isn't bad either, but I digress. To put it plainly, the UCF Knights are currently the worst team in college football as far as I am concerned, and it's only getting worse from here.

With Kevin Smith off being the Detroit Lions only hope for mediocrity, Rocky Ross out for the season with an epic fail collar bone, a completely non-existant offensive line, three quarterbacks who panic quicker than a nun in a strip club, and possibly the worst field goal kicker in the history of the NCAA (1 for 4 on the season so far!), It's only bound to get much, much worse when Ross' absence is felt in full force this weekend against SMU. Hey, the Knights were blown out by UTEP (ranked 110 out of 119 teams in Division IA football last season), so a loss to SMU would just make the season perfect. It seems as if the Knights blew any modicum of talent during the last quarter of the fourth quarter of the game against USF at the beginning of the month.

But done with football talk for right now, because it's just going to get me angry that every sports team I've ever liked will always end up being a completely epic disappointment. The White Sox blew a 2.5 game lead by losing to the fucking Royals and the Indians in a pretty epic fashion and now have less than a 30% shot at making the playoffs. The 96 Panthers made it to the Stanley Cup only to be completely dominated by the Avalanche. The Knights are just epic fail on all accounts except for Joe Burnett's punt returns and Blake Klingon's punts. I mean, the Celtics did win the title last year, but I care about basketball least of any of the sports, and I almost picked Boston just because they were dominating, and they had (in my opinion) 3 of the best players in recent NBA history (Garnett, Allen, Pierce). I guess I should be pretty happy that the 49ers aren't a complete bomb this year now that they have a quarterback in JT O'Sullivan who can at least throw for over 200 yards a game somewhat regularly (even if he was a piss poor 18-for-36; Matt Leinart was even loling at that in between shotgunning bottles of Cristal while watching Kurt Warner's old ass still holding onto the starting position).

But enough about sports for right now. I always love to list things because lists are just such an easy way to convey shit that I like, especially when that is literally the only qualifier of the list. I realize that I tend to forget some really amazing things on my super specific lists, so here's just a shot at a list of things I'm currently digging:

Lemon Jelly-Lost Horizons
This is actually kind of a weird album. It's like instrumental and sort of electronica, but it's too happy and cheesy to really fit into electronica. It's just really pretty and relaxing music that I can put on and just jam out to whenever. Nice Weather for Ducks is a great song to listen to when it's pouring rain outside (which it did today. Not cool.).

Crabcakes-
Okay, I usually try and avoid making such definitively factual statements such as "Darkwing Duck is clearly superior to Chip and Dale" (even though this statement is absolutely factual in every sense of the word), but crabcakes are fucking stellar. What could honestly be better than fried crab meat? Sex? Nah, crabcakes are so much more outwardly consistent and excellent, and they don't require you to cuddle after you finish.

Girls Sunglasses-
(No homo). Girls sunglasses>guys sunglasses, without a doubt. Most guys have horrible taste in sunglasses anyway, so maybe that's why, but girls sunglasses are just mostly way cooler looking and much more versatile. Plus, for $5.80 at Forever 21, you can get a pair of really ridiculous chick sunglasses. Plus, most girls sunglasses have the gradient lens, which pretty much make them acceptable to wear at any time of the day.

Chuck Klosterman novels-
Chuck Klosterman is without a doubt one of the most entertaining writers I've ever had the privalege of reading. He's a bit of a pop culture nerd, but he's also got some amazingly insightful essays and everything I've read from him has been very easily accessible. Plus, anyone who can intelligently trash Coldplay deserves a motherfucking medal.

Joe Strummer-
I'm sure absolutely none of you started reading this blog based solely on the fact that the title is a very famous quote from the man himself. However, if anyone did, I would like to propose marriage to you. Joe Strummer is probably one of the best songwriters to come out of the 20th century, 2nd to the Beatles as a collective whole. And if you think Joe Strummer died when the Clash broke up after a string of fairly mediocre records, throw on the post-humous release by Strummer's post-Clash outfit, Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros's Streetcore. Such a fanastic record.

Anyway, I'm falling asleep in front of the lappy after the abuse that my liver and immune system took this weekend. Waking up and still feeling totally drunk at 9:30 is such a fantastic feeling. Not for nothing, but I have papers to write that have been procrastinated on long enough.

However, before I roll, I 'd like to take a moment to ask anyone reading to ask a couple of people to direct their attention to my blog and give it a glance. I'd like to see some more traffic and some more opinions flowing about my writing and style. So if you could act like whores for me for just a few days, that would be totally fanastic.

Bon voyage, all
Joe

And that's when I said to the guy "That's not a bottle of ketchup, THATS MY WIFE!"

Hellohellohello internet lurkers,

How are your lives? Miserable I hope? Great. Today was pretty much a test in how much annoyance I could possible tolerate in one day. Firstly, I have two classes full of dildos, on top of an Advanced Expository class taught by a dildo. Pretty much I should really be editing my essay which is due in like 4ish days, but fuck that right? That's what procrastination is for. Anyway, I then I had to go figure out how to get a student loan, because the farce of an educational institution that I attend can't figure out how to disburse financial aid in a timely manner. So at this point, I'm looking at like 12 grand worth of loans. Awesome. Love that US economy right now.

What I'm loving more though is the fact that John McCain is such a transparent politician. Like, I usually don't like straying into political conversations for the accusation of forcing my personal beliefs on someone else, but I feel pretty strongly about the fact that John McCain is completely avoiding a debate and trying to make himself look really nobel in the process. Yeah dude, it's cool. The Senate needs you now, even though you've spent the last 10 months on the campaign trail away from them. That, and this crisis was identified 7 days ago, and you are just now discussing it? Eat dicks, and go pretend like you are actually trying to change something by using Sarah Palin to act in Ann Coulter's place as the blowup doll of the republican party.

Anyway, off the topic of things I dislike, here is some things I do like, in no specific order.

Chicago White Sox-
I don't know why, but I've in the past year developed a total love affair with the superior in all aspects Chicago team. Carlos Quentin is sick as hell (even though he's injured). Plus, the Cubs can suck my balls. The end.

Sangria-
Call me a bitch, but man, is this shit tasty if you have a solid recipe. I like to make two batches when I do make it; one with lemons, limes, and oranges, with a splash of sprite, and the other with apples, cantelope, strawberries, cinnamon sticks, and a splash of ginger ale. Best wine to use? I prefer a Spanish Rose. It's 2 bottles for 3 dollars, and it's 13.5% alcohol. What is yes? Sangria is also a great hangover cure on a Sunday afternoon while floating around in the pool rocking the hater-blockers.

Tattoos-
Ironic I know, and there is a particularly homosexual catch to this, but I generally dislike tattoos on girls too. Maybe it's the fact that girls are notorious for getting the most retarded tattoos ever, such as the brilliant rose-and-thorns-and-bushes-and-shit tramp stamp. Fucking gross dude seriously. That, and if you ever have the inclination to get a company logo tattooed on you, do me a favor and lie down on a train track. However, most dudes look surprisingly badass in tattoos, provided they aren't like tribal tattoos, or flames, or anything like that. Then you just look like a dickhead.

Text messaging-
I know, I'm tossing the heterosexual street creditials right out of the fucking window, but it's just so much less awkward and so much more convinient than calling people, especially when you have a keyboard on the phone. SO MUCH EASIER.

I'm too lazy to go look up lyrics now, and there is alcohol to be mooched somewhere in this neighborhood/at some dive bar near by. So I'll go.

USC is the biggest dissappointment ever btw.

Later days,

Joe

Only three hours and then it's motherfucking MILLER TIME!

Hello all. Today I had class, which wasn't very fun, especially after being up until 2 the night prior and having one of my roommates come in right as I was getting into bed screaming "I'M FUCKING BLACKED OUT". Funny as hell? Oh yes. Difficult to sleep through? Quite. Ah well, I had a nice nap this afternoon, which balances out the not having slept last night thing. The only downside to said nap was missing both College Football Live and NFL Live. Pretty epic fail, but I mean, I guess I'll just have to do something really manly tonight like go to the gym and crank the most meatheaded music I have while lifting LOTS OF WEIGHTS. Anyway, I'm currently in the midst of getting ready to cook dinner, but I think as a guy it's essential to the quintessential dudeness to like football and drink beer, so I feel as if that is a topic that needs to be discussed within. Thus, the official list of Joe's all time favorite beers, and the most appropriate places/times/patterns to consume said beer.

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon-
A lot of people give Pabst shit for being a super cheap beer, but fuck that. There are very few beers outwardly cooler (in the unique, traditional sense, particularly with the packaging), cheaper, and better tasting than PBR. It's pretty light and pilsner style, which I normally don't advocate, but PBR blows any other pilsner-style lage out of the water. Plus, it's like 7.99 for a 12-pack, and let's face it, the extra dollar is better for a beer that is good for drinking at nearly any temperature (I'm looking at you, High Life). In terms of appropriate places to consume Pabst Blue Ribbon, pretty much anywhere is good. It's a really easy beer to chug, so it's very much suitable for beer pong, beer funnels, etc. It's also not too heavy, so it's really good for a hot day spent tailgating as well (which kind of implies beer pong and funnels, but regardless). Unacceptable places of consumption: funerals. The one drawback is that it is very difficult to find south of Orlando, and even then, it's not very easy to find at gas stations up here. Dumb college kids.

2. Yuengling-
Definitely my favorite darker lager. Great full flavor, and kicks the piss out of Sam Adams in terms of overall taste, the "unique" appeal, and the fact that it tastes like a beer that should be much more expensive than it is. Plus, it's an American beer, so you automatically get points for not being the product of outsourcing. Yuengling unfortunately is one of those beers that is pretty temperature-sensitive. Warm, it is pretty much not very good at all (it goes without saying that almost all beers are better cold, but some are at least tolerable warm). However, at a reasonably cold temperature, Yuengling is pretty much perfect. This is a good beer for sitting inside and watching football, particularly because heavy lagers are pretty much a sure case of bubbleguts in the sun. Plus, you also have that "I'm not an elitist Wild Blue drinking douche" look when you're knocking back a Yuengling at the bar.

3. St. Pauli Girl-
In my humble mind, the best German beer around. Heiniken is alright, but criminally overrated. Plus it's become such a hip and trendy "guido" beer that you just look like a typical dildo with a blowout if you are drinking one. Becks is also great too, don't get me wrong. I love a good Becks, but St Pauli Girl (the alcoholic version obviously, since the only people who drink NA beer are pretty much relapsed recovering alcoholics) is just really fucking great all around. The best part is that it offers a great, thick flavor while still being very drinkable. If you feel like getting hammered, St. Paulis is a great beer to spring for.

4. Budweiser-
This is pretty much loaded with personal bias, as I grew up in a predominantly Budweiser household. It's the most generic American lager you can pretty much drink, but it isn't bad at all in that regards. You get more man points for drinking Budweiser than Bud light or Miller Lite if only because you don't look like a giant calorie obsessed puss. Sure, there are plenty of beers that have a better taste, but Budweiser has the most solid combination of taste, price, and alcohol content (higher than any light beer pretty much). Besides, if you are that worried about calories, drink a vodka soda. Shit is completely fat free.

5. Stella Artois-
Kind of the lone wolf in terms of expensive beers on this list. I prefer good budget beers anyday over the expensive stuff, but Stella is pretty great. Plus I mean, it's got a foil top. That's an automatic win right there. Great light wheat flavor, even though it borders on the expensive side.

6. Killian's Irish Red-
I broke my personal ban on all Coors products once I discovered this little corporate gem. Great dark lager, although not a beer you want to get completely shithoused on. That has proven to be bad news time and time again. Trust me, this shit is kind of like a retard: it doesn't look very dangerous, but mess with it too much and you'll end up in the grass shitting your pants and covered in your own vomit with a cleaning bill for a hundred bucks. I prefer to drink Killian's usually with a meal. It's good for upscale football food (wings, pizza, ribs, etc), but not so great with the typical swill (pork rinds, bean dip, salsa, etc).

7. Rogue Dead Guy-
Now this is a beer I have pretty limited experience in, but the few times I have had the chance to give it a shot, it's been wholly excellent. Thick and rich, with just a hint of sweetness make this pretty much the best pizza beer I've ever tried. It's expensive, but really, you only need a pint of this to feel pretty full. Never a beer to drink in excess, but definitely great for a good meal beer.

8a. Miller Lite-
Fuck. This one pains me to admit, primarily because it's such a chick beer. But even I can't deny that for a light beer, this is at the top of the pile. Really, light beers are not designed for male consumption, and I'm definitely more of an Anheuser-Busch proponent, but no doubt, Miller Lite>Bud Light in all aspects. Plus I mean. I kinda feel obligated to include this on the list since "Only three hours and then it's motherfucking MILLER TIME" makes me laugh like hell. So there's that. Also, there is a bar near by that does trivia on Friday nights (don't they all?) but also has 5 for $8 Miller Lite buckets. At that cheap, even I can afford to get drunk. This says a lot since I just spent the past hour trying to hock my scratched up Pennywise cds from the olden years when I used to suck at life.

8b. Miller High Life-
So there is pretty much a tie for 7th, and here's why. High Life is essentially the Bud Ice of the Miller brewing company. It's cheap, it's got more alcohol than any other American Cheap Beer, and it's really really good...but only when it's seriously ice cold. Thankfully Miller was smart and designed it in a unique, very hydrodynamic bottle that is great for drinking this fast. Miller Lite and High Life are two very different beers. Both are Pilsners, but honestly, that's where the similarities end. Miller Lite is really good tasting at most temperatures, and it's easy to stomach a lot of them; High Life is only good tasting at really cold temperatures, and even then, it's heavier body makes it difficult to down a fuck ton of them. However, High Life has A LOT more alcohol than Lite, so it almost makes up for the fact that you can't stomach as many. Also, High Life is only $7 for a 12 pack at most places, and plenty of bars do High Life Bottles for between $1-$2. Make sense? I sure hope not.

10. Amstel Light-
Aha. Talk about a girly beer. If you're caught drinking this at a bar, chances are that it's at Mad Hatters in downtown Lake Worth (probably the most outwardly gay bar there is, even though there are bars with gayer names [Harry's Banana Farm anyone?]). But even for being such an outwardly chick beer, even I can't deny that Amstel Light tastes damn good. Not a beer I would really consider buying very often, if ever (import pricing is no fun at all), but if someone else is buying, I'm totally down for a round of one of the most criminally underrated beers ever.

Well at least that list came out a little more balanced than I had originally assumed it would. These next few days are going to be pretty busy for me. Sometime soon, I need to work up a budget to figure out how much to kill myself with student loans, and then go out and attain said student loans without having a single bank up here. Isn't that lame? Sure is. I've also got a lot of reading to do for class, but honestly, I'll do that the night before the test. Which brings me to a good discussion point:

You ever sit in a class room and realize that nearly everyone who surrounds you is a complete dildo? Well good ladies/sirs, welcome to both my World Lit class and my creative writing class. Filled with all of the obnoxious personality types that just drive me up the fucking wall. We'll start with world lit because I know at least one person from that class reads it and she'll probably get a kick out of it (hi Amy!). You've got the prentious dickwad who probably studies way too much and chastises people when they clearly haven't read the pages for the discussion that he's leading. God fucking forbid that we are college students with much better things to do such as drinking and fornicating with people we otherwise wouldn't unless we drank that 5th of Jim Beam. You've got the obnoxious butch woman behind you, always coming up with an opinion on EVERYTHING. Don't forget super anal overachiever either! He likes to be in charge of everything and be a complete tightwad when it comes to the presentation about a text towards the class. MUST. GET. 100. PERCENT. FUCK. Moving on, then you've got the annoying feminist who clearly needs a good deep dicking before she explodes in a rage of "SOCIETY IS SURPRESSING MY MASCULINITY". Ugh. Annoying. Go choke on your Virginia Woolfe novel plz.

But there is probably nothing worse than the crowd of pseudo artsy assholes in a creative writing class. Wow. Firstly, you've got douchefag hipster indie kid in his fucking docksiders and plaid shirts who writes phallocentric poems about Rivers Cuomo that suck more dick than a Parramore hooker. How about the surpressed indie kid who is just way too melodramatic for his own good? Seriously dude? Being depressed isn't cool and doesn't make you seem misunderstood. You know what it does make you? A dildo. A big, black dildo. You've got the complete dipshit in the back of class who thinks prose ranting about how girls don't like the nice guys qualifies as fucking poetry. Sigh. Just so many dildos. Everywhere. It's times like these I borderline regret changing my major.

Anyway, today I'm going to Hot Dog Heaven and indulging in the aforementioned amazing Chicago Hot Dog (in case you haven't been able to put 2 and 2 together, yes, I did write this blog over the course of 2 days). Shit is so elite in the food world. In closing, here is a fun little lyric:

No more conversation
You should took me out when you had the chance
All the rooms were numbered
And the losers turned away
Don't turn away

Lust and anal,

Joe

Yo soy milk!

So alas, I guess I'm gonna one of these like general interest blogs to try and hone my writing skill a bit better. I highly doubt anyone will give two shits about what I have to say, but I mean, I guess there are some of the hardcore lurkers that would probably really like to hear my opinions on everything from Sarah Palin to people who ask for ridiculous things at restaurants to being so poor that you have to donate blood plasma to enjoy a good hot dog every now and again. Moving on.

So for anyone who doesn't know who I am (very unlikely seeing as pretty much everyone probably saw this on facebook and went "hey Joe is a dick, I bet he writes some funny stuff though, maybe this will give me some sort of ammo for the next time I get fed up with him and his sophmoric insults"), I spend most of my time drinking, being somewhat amusing, being poor, speaking loudly, and writing now a days. I also spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to string together a million complete thoughts into one sentence using commas, semicolons, etc etc etc. You know I once heard that you weren't supposed to use etcetera more than once because it already implied an infinite thing? Like so on and so on until the end of eternity. Weird fishes.

So what else is really interesting? I mean I'm really long winded obviously, but I think most writers are, otherwise they wouldn't be writers. I enjoy food immensely, particularly Chicago Hot Dogs. What a stupendously delicious food. I think maybe that's what I will make part of this entry about. Food. Gotta love food. Gotta hate how much food costs though. Shit. I've eaten more Ramen in the past week than I've eaten in a year because I'm so retardedly broke right now. Here's a list of the best food I've ever had, in some sort of order.

1. Chicago Hot Dog-
Okay, no contest here. What a glorious revolution in the consumption of processed beef. Whoever came up with this shit is definitely due for some serious fellatio from me because I have never been so consistently wowed by a food until I tried a Chicago Dog. So much so, I actually did an entire Spanish presentation on the Chicago Dog. It was pretty beautiful. Anyway, this beast includes an all-beef steamed hot dog on a steamed poppy seed bun. First, put straight yellow mustard on it, then chopped onions and bright green relish that you can't really find anywhere for some reason. Since I'm too much of a lazy shit to google this, I'll just say that if it is not as bright as a fake plastic palm tree, it's not suitable. Continuing on, then make sure to add a pickle between one side of the bun and the hot dog. Then, two tomato slices, staggered on each side of the hot dog so that at any one time, you should always be biting into each ingredient on it. Top this with a dash of celery salt, and that is your basic Chicago dog. A lot of people prefer a couple of sport peppers on top, but I think it's pretty unneccessary for the consumption of it. No doubt, the best food item I've ever had. Absolutely incredible. I usually hit up Hot Dog Heaven on State Road 50 in Orlando, even though there is a hot dog place right up the street from campus. You just can't beat a Chicago dog, a heap of fries, and a side of macaroni salad, as well as a 35 cent lemonade refill from their plastic mugs (in a variety of colors for $1.69) for $6.65.

2. Howley's Tomato Bisque Soup-
What is "Yes"? The location is non-negiotiable. It must be from Howley's on Dixie in West Palm Beach, because goddamnit, this soup is fucking marvelous. Rich and creamy and just fucking fantastic with about three packets of oyester crackers in it. The chunks of god-knows-what deliciousness in the bottom are also pretty amazing. Plus, Howley's has a really sick selection of beers, from good microbrews like Rogue Deadguy to PBR Tallboys. Can't ever go wrong. I normally get water because I am a poor bitch though. The one drawback-they only serve this amazing bowl of food perfection on Mondays. Le sigh. If you are there any other day though, the French Dip with sweet potato fries is the way to go.

3. Green Bean Fries-
Ah yes. Love love love TGIFridays. Always loved it. Usually it's not one to stick out a whole lot, but I remember as a little kid I used to always get their Cup of Dirt as dessert (essentially chocolate pudding with oreo cookie crumbs and gummy worms). Now, I'm addicted to these little beasts. Maybe I'm just really weird for enjoying things like green beans, but I'll be goddamned if breading them and deep frying that shit does not make it a million times better. Absolutely beautiful, and whatever that fucking sauce they give is ill as fuck. Yeah I just used ill. Brother Micah is rolling around in his future grave. Gang banger.

4. Mcdonalds Chicken Biscuit-
There shouldn't be any fast food on my list of greatest foods ever. It's just not right at all. But McDonalds, for all it's ridiculous culinary missteps throughout the years, came up with a really fucking transcendently awesome piece of breakfast. The premium all white meat fried and actually crunchy chicken perfectly compliments the biscuit which, if made correctly, should ooze butter off of it. So horrendously unhealthy, but so beautifully amazing. The only points this gets off is that it's availability is limited to before 10:30 (not an hour I see very often) and it's fast food (and thus absolutely terrible for you)

5. Firehouse Italian-
Okay so it was pretty much a complete toss up for position number 5 on this one. At first, I was going to give it to the Qdoba Chicken Queso Burrito, but honestly, Firehouse makes the most consistently awesome subs out there now. Whatever the hell they put on their Italian subs just makes them absolutely mouthwatering. For a runner up, the meatball is also really bitchin'. Don't be afraid to try around, but I always come back to the Italian without fail.

6. California Roll-
Yes, I am a sushi junkie as well. It kinda sucks too, especially being on a budget as a college student. Sushi is awesome though, and if you don't think so, go bury your head in a hole. I'm pretty bad at remembering what I get when I go out and get sushi, so I pretty much keep it basic and get a California roll (or, if I'm feeling particularly adventurous, a Volcano roll). I think back home I always used to get a roll called a Y2K roll, but that might be a colloquial thing and trying to think of what the fuck was in it is way too taxing for my lazy ass right now. So. To recap. Sushi=excellent. Anyone who says otherwise=troglodite. Kthx.

7. Lobster Tails-
Usually, doesn't matter from where, but man Maine lobster tails are the shit. I could eat about a dozen of those motherfuckers all day every day. Especially with drawn butter and just a little bit of fresh squeezed lemon. However, price especially for this one makes it a difficult thing to come by. But for my 16th birthday, my present was pretty much a 10 pound lobster from New York Prime in Boca. It was pretty much the most epic thing I've ever downed.

Okay so now that I've ended that list on an awkward enough number (who really ends lists on number 7? That shit's just awkward), I think I will conclude this blog by a great lyric that I'm digging a lot lately. Extra points if you can guess what it is without using google!

What's the closest you can come to an almost total wreck and still walk away,
All limbs intact?
And when I go, you'll be there crying out, begging me.
I won't hear.
I'll just go fast into this night on broken legs

Be easy,

Joe