My glass tables are covered with bleach and brandy snifters

Aloha motherfuckers.

Phew, long weekend for sure. Too much homework, and I didn't even get it all done. Thankfully, my expert bullshitting is very handy at times like this when I need to pretend to read something that I didn't. Nonetheless, it was a good weekend outside of the horrendous UCF football game, nearly getting mugged less than 300 feet from my apartment, and the fact that I was still drunk when I was awoken at 9:30 on Sunday morning by friends who I had planned to go to the beach with. Oh well, c'est la vie.

But that shit is all boring. I mean honestly, who gives two shits about the more mundane aspects of my life? Hell, I hardly give a shit about them. What I do give a shit about is that I'm finally going to be able to see Against Me! for the first time in well over a year in a club venue. They've played in Gainesville quite a few times, and in Orlando once in a club venue since I've been up here, but I've missed all of them for one reason or another. Against Me! is a really great band still, and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. Even though Tom Gabel is a ninny who likes Coldplay. Jerk!

So today was another one of those fun days in creative writing of workshopping poems, and as per usual, man there are some retards in my class. Seriously, that's probably the worst part about being in a creative writing class. I can only imagine how people even smarter than I fared in this, because some of these people shock me daily. I dunno when being a depressive dildo with an obsession with using phrases like "and it's something like *fill in random, undescriptive word such as: dying, optimism, maybe, maybe not, fleeting, loathing, etc*" and attempting to be so fucking melodramatic became popular or cool, but seriously guys, grow up. There is nothing facinating, interesting, or even slightly attractive about being completely narcissistic and way-too-indie-for-life. Unless you're Thom Yorke, in which case, you get a bye.

So as much as it sucks being under the age of 21, I've come to realize that there is something really rewarding and fun in the pretty sizeable risk being taken by drinking underage and in public. I mean, let's face it, there is something somewhat pathetic about anyone of age doing a beer funnel. It's a tool for the underage high school/college student to get drunk as quickly as possible, before the cops find out and break up whatever party that the underage debauchery is taking place at. Not to completely chastise those of age for drinking to excess, getting completely shitty, and doing a keg stand; in fact, it's cool to see that plenty of my friends have not lost sight of their youth. Most 21+ year olds will openly admit to the fact that drinking became less cool when you were actually allowed to do it. And so here it is, Joe's official list on best strategies and locations for getting trashed as a minor. Although, I probably shouldn't officially condone such an idea, because that could get me in TROUBLE! So just fyi, I don't condone underage drinking. Ever.

Know someone who bartends-
And if you don't know someone who currently bartends, skip to number 2. Bartenders are given a fuckload of leeway for the most part, unless they bartend at an extremely corporate restaurant like Olive Garden or Red Lobster or something. So, chances are, if they know you, they will serve you. And if you don't know a bartender, get to know a server. Servers don't have to show shit to the bartender to get alcohol, and depending on the situation, can be given even more leeway than bartenders. Also, the good part about getting to know a bartender is that it is very possible that they will comp you drinks too, provided you are a consistently great tipper. How much should you tip? My rule is AT LEAST a dollar per beer and $1.50 to $2 for mixed drinks. Good tipping will get you a long way in life.

Go to a local dive and try your luck-
You'd be surprised just how often this works actually. You're probably better off at a local college bar than anywhere else, as their standards for fake IDs are pretty lax, and security will generally just take whatever you are drinking away unless you give them shit about it. Orlando is great for this, as there is always at least one bar that it's easy to get drunk at, and usually at least one bar that is offering up some kind of free drink special. I know one bar around here, the notoriously titled Liquid Cellar (I, as well as many others, suspect that it was named after they realize that by the strike of midnight, everything is soaking fucking wet, like a basement in a hurricane), has free beer all night and like 2 or 3 dollar pitchers of mixed well drinks. I know, sounds gross, and probably is, but for 10 dollars, you can get thoroughly housed off some disgusting well beer and then walk back to campus (conviniently located directly across the street). The best part about this area? There are at least 4 other bars with very similar set ups. Devaney's and TD's also apparently do free bottled beer some nights, which is definitely preferable to the watered down swill that comes out of those taps.

Grow a beard/have large breasts and wear a low-cut top-
These are obviously both very gender specific, however, both are tried and true methods. I've gone into plenty of restaurants (mostly local places, with Buffalo Wild Wings being the primary exception) with a week worth of well-maintained facial hair growth and gotten served without a second question. For girls, having a large rack is pretty much a sure fire way to get whatever you want, so I'm just going out on a limb and assuming that it can probably help you get drunk too.

Go to obscure or unpopular places-
This is actually a pretty great idea, and has a fairly high efficiency rating too. The idea is to go somewhere that most underage kids don't try and drink at very often because they assume it would be too hard, or just wouldn't think of it. Bowling alleys, Chuck-E-Cheese, concerts, and outdoor festivals all fall under this, and it is remarkably easy to get served, or to get someone to get you a drink. From there, most places don't directly wristband you, so it's pretty much smooth sailing from there.

Make friends with the local gas guy-
Gas stations can be hit and miss. Almost always go at night, and (as racist as it sounds) always hit up the gas stations run by Pakistanis or Indians. Very few card, and most have good prices and moderately good selections. It's not as fun as going out and drinking, but you do end up looking good rolling into a party full of underage kids and bringing your own beer, especially if it's something they've never had before. This also works when trying to score 9th grade girls (as completely pedophilic as that sounds, I've never actually gone after a 9th grader after high school, or even after junior year for that matter. Don't judge me.)

The drink you order says a lot about your age-
Bud Light, Miller Light, Natty anything, etc will all probably get you carded. Why? Because they know that a lot of college students view beer as merely a means to an end. Drink beer, and you'll get drunk. While a lot of adults also see beer in a similar manner, a good number of adults will drink beer because they also enjoy the flavor and the way it compliments what they are eating. Why do you think they make Non-alcoholic beer? Many adults genuinely do enjoy the taste of beer. So how can you avoid this? Develop a beer palate. Ask for something slightly unusual or unique; most college students will not go into a bar and ask for a pint of Stella. If you project yourself with confidence and sound like you know what you are talking about, that you order this drink regularly and use the lingo associated with it, you will probably get served. Same goes for mixed drinks: ask for a certain brand of liquor (Tanqueray and Tonic, Stoli and Sprite, Beam and coke, etc) as if money is not an issue, and fork over the debit card to start a tab immediately. If asked for an ID (provided you don't have a fake), either act as if you legitimately lost it, or just hand it over straight away. Most just take a quick scan assuming that most underage people will not bother to even try at that point, and completely not look at the date.

Remember also that certain drinks are ubiquitously high-school, and that most adults do not drink them. Some good examples for decidedly adult drinks would include Margaritas, Manhattans, gin/vodka-tonics, martinis, and anything involving whisky (more specifically bourbon). Also, small talk with the server such as "well, I normally spring for Crown, but I'm feeling a Beam and coke instead tonight I think" can also help make yourself look more natural in the face of drinking underage.

Anyway, I actually just got back from an underage drinking adventure with some very good friends, and thus I felt the need to bring this particular blog to a close. Tomorrow, Bill Clinton is speaking at my school, so this should prove to be pretty interesting. I'm drunk, and definitely in need of sleep, so I'll leave you all with a closing thought.

I'M SEEING AGAINST FUCKING ME ON SATURDAY.

Word,

Joe