Minimum wage is a gateway drug

Hi everyone-

Cutting your finger with a pearing knife seriously sucks. After a couple of beers last night watching the debate, I decided it was a smart idea to cut up my temporary debit card with a steak knife. Smart Joe, smart. So of course, I ended up cutting right through my finger. No fun at all, but I guess it's to be expected. In other news, today is pretty exciting for a couple of reasons. One, I'm finally getting around to cleaning my room like I mentioned a few blogs ago. Something about baked fish fillets caked to a plate on top of my printer that really lit a fire under my ass. B, today is our official Hot Dog Heaven journey of the week, which always puts me in a particularly good mood. Nothing like the glory of processed beef and random vegetables to make me a happy little man. Three, today starts my first day of orientation for my job at Outback, which should be a pretty fun time I'm thinking. Probably a bunch of those dumb icebreaker games, but at least that permits me to spend the better part of the night bullshitting, flirting wrecklessly, and being charming and witty. That's just how I roll in this town.

So, 99 percent of bartenders are total dildos. Call me a perfectionist, know-it-all, what have you, but there are some really outwardly bad and lazy bartenders out there. Not for nothing, but the people that hire bartenders are probably even stupider. And this is not me attempting to speak out as some kind of jaded asshole (or maybe it is, and I just don't feel like admitting to it), but there are definitely some bar managers that make terrible hiring decisions all the time. Especially around here. The only way to get a job in a bar around my school is to a. be in a frat, and a decent sized, reputable frat at that, or b. be a hot, slutty girl. Of course, most bars just look at the basics: yeah, being in a frat ensures most of your fraternity coming through the door the night you are working; yeah, being a hot slutty girl means you have guys coming in to drool over you and rail you harder than the basketball team did in high school. However, did anyone ever look at the fact that frat dudes are practically obligated to take care of their brothers with free drinks all the time? Did anyone ever look at the fact that the aforementioned hot, slutty girl is more likely to call out of work because she doesn't feel like standing up after the fact that she just got torn up like it was getting thrown on the internet by a bunch of 300 pound Samoan dudes on a website like Facialsofdeath.com??

Maybe I'm crazy, but for as ridiculous and out-there as a lot of aspiring bartenders are (myself included), we're definitely more reliable, personable, and better at building clientele than these kids who will only continually bring in the same people over and over. Not for nothing, but hiring people with not even a lick of training just for their ability to bring in customers seems pretty ridiculous. You wonder why you have a bunch of dildos coming in and drinking underage (again, myself included)? It's because you train shitty fucking bartenders who don't give a shit about their job and do a mediocre job at mixing together a grand total of 10 drinks, and don't even know the actual names for them. Maybe I just like trying to rock the establishment too much. I dunno. What I do know is that I could do twice as good of a job as any of the fucking clowns behind the bars at any of the local places. But I guess it's my loss, at least until I move up to bartending at Outback in a few months.

Regardless. I'm riled up now. Not that I wasn't when I woke up. I love it when I sign onto myspace and see some mother-at-19 blurting out about how Barack Obama is clearly the antichrist and how he didn't vote for the PATRIOT ACT. I bet 98 percent of the people who think that's a bad thing probably have no idea what the Bill of Rights or the Patriot Act contain. It shocks me how a nation like ours, "the best country in the world", can be so legitimately retarded when it comes to some of the most devastating legislation in the history of our country.

Fuck that. America is not number one; we're in the teens at least. Maybe 12 or 13 tops. Call me an unpatriotic asshole (it's not like I spent 4 years in ROTC or anything). We're so ignorant of our place in the grand scheme of the world. We're a joke. We've fucked up two elections and counting now. Our economy is in the worst shape it's been since the Great Depression. We were sure that North Korea was one of the most evil powers to ever grace the planet. We were positive that it was time to attack them like we attacked Iraq (who was in the same place as North Korea when the war over there started), and in the end, it turned out that they were really telling the truth and only wanted nuclear power. I'm even willing to wager that Iran wants the same thing, and that no one likes the country who clearly doesn't have it's shit together, to tell them to get their shit together.

So let's forget about everyone elses problems for a little while. I hate that this is what it's come down to, but let's fix America. Send the vice president over to try and negiotiate some sort of a temporary armistice between all of the middle east countries for long enough that we can fix our economy, get back into the black, and get our shit taken care of. Then, since America is a perennial gossipy-bitch-with-its-nose-up-everyone's-ass, we can worry about everyone else. But instead of worrying about the middle east (where there is always going to be a fucking war between rogue states who hate Israel), let's worry about the real issues, like Darfur. If we had known the scope of the Holocaust at the time it happened, we would have immediately intervened. Why is this any different?

Okay, well know that I've thoroughly fumed enough, I'm down to end this on a positive note.

Good, good things:

Tom Petty
Awesome songwriter. Sorry, I know I throw all my cred points out of the window, but Tom Petty fucking rules. Seriously, American Girl is 10 times better than anything Springsteen put out aside from maybe Born to Run. Definitely the more consistent of the two, and wasn't the precursor to fucking Bon Jovi. Now that's an accomplishment worth noting.

Neckties
As long as they aren't clip on, and you aren't wearing them with a tshirt, a good, ridiculously cool looking necktie is always a good thing. I have a metallic-looking purple/pink/black one that has interesting geometric steps on it that looks cool as hell. Downside? They are expensive. How I hate being poor.

Aloe
Let me tell you, when dozing on the beach after a couple of high lifes, sunburn sucks. A lot. Florida sucks mostly because you can get sunburn even if it's cloudy as hell out. That was the story of my weekend: sunburn. But with aloe, all the obnoxious stinging is temporarily relieved by this horrible smelling substance. I don't care if it makes me smell like an old man who uses aerosol shampoo and shits his pants daily, at least the fucking burning doesn't burn so badly.

Fried rice
What a great starch. I mean, I think fried rice is really terminally underrated. No doubt better than ramen, although it is more expensive. I just don't understand how people prefer white rice. Ramen has like. Vegetables and shit. And chicken. People, chicken is the best thing ever. When you learn this finally, you will grow. Cope with it. Chicken is the future.

I've totally fried my brain on this one. Still need a haircut. Fuck.

Bye.

Joe

Oh PS I'm shaving my beard into a Fu Manchu moustache later today. Let you know how that turns out.