The shape of drunks to come

Howdy,

So after a slew of serious entries, my brain has started to hurt from all of the pseudo-intellectual rebellion taking place inside the 4 cozy walls of AtHoT. While it's fun to write about intelligent things once in a while, sometimes, one just needs to embrace their inner dude and rant about the grossest/most douchefest beers ever (the eventual point of this entry). So, to put myself into the right frame of mind for such an foray, I've got Guns 'n' Roses "Appetite For Destruction" blasting in my room, and I'm at home right now prepping some homemade chicken wings. Unfortunately, I'm out of beer, and as much as wings and beer sounds pretty amazing, I've got no way of getting ahold of the latter at the moment. This sucks, but I guess it's unavoidable at times being underage and all.

Speaking of underage though, 3 weeks from now is my 20th birthday. I know, this is a pretty uneventful birthday in all regards, and especially so because mine is on a Tuesday this year, but I figure that this birthday cannot possibly be any worse than my last birthday (which I spent driving back up to Orlando from being home for the weekend [Sunday night birthdays are even lamer than Tuesday night birthdays]). So, for all you dedicated readers, I'll be accepting gifts in the form of sexual favors, alcohol, money, hugs, and a coffee maker (because god knows with the amount of sleep I get recently, I need that shit badly). Or, you can come over and clean my apartment, but the EPA already decided against that.

Anyway so, bad beers. A lot of people I know claim that bad beer can't exist. To me, this is just a poor excuse for lack of taste and early alcoholism. Yes, things that get you drunk are mostly preferable over things that don't, but this doesn't mean that some sort of quality control shouldn't be implemented. In fact, it's absolutely necessary to not look like a dumb douche. So, here we go, and yes, this list is absolutely universal and definitive:

Natty Light
Okay, this one is obvious. So obvious in fact, it's almost like making a list of bad music and including Toby Keith and Nickleback or James Blunt or something. It almost goes without saying, but Natty Light is pretty stupendously bad. I mean, firstly over anything, it breaks the man-beer rule by being a light beer. What does this mean? Not only does it have less flavor, but it also has significantly less alcohol than it's slightly more acceptable partner in crime, Natty Ice. Yeah, it's cheap, but so are toothless hookers, and you wouldn't want to fuck one of those in front of your friends, would you?

Bud Light
This is possibly my most despised beer ever for a number of reasons. Again, not only is it a light beer, so it has less alcohol than Budweiser, but it tastes absolutely terrible, and it's no easier to drink than Budweiser is. And it's the EXACT SAME PRICE as Budweiser. So I don't want to hear any of this "oh well we just wanted something cheap so we went for Bud Light". No, just come clean. You wanted something gross, that costs the same as it's manlier and better older brother, because you're watching your waist. Either that, or you're just retarded and think it tastes good. At which point, I already hate you.

Michelob Ultra
Wow so, when did someone decide to make carbonated water alcoholic? This shit is the most worthless beer ever. Again, like most other things on this list, it falls into the light beer category, but unlike some of these light beers, regardless of how bad their taste may be, it actually doesn't taste like anything. I've tasted Orlando tapwater with more of a kick than this shit.

Blue Moon
Okay, so I have to go against popular consensus here. Yeah, I used to enjoy Blue Moon, but recently, I've begun to realize how really not that great it is, and especially for the price. Something about it has just recently become incredibly off putting. In fact, I kinda look back at myself, the douche who used to enjoy Blue Moon, and shudder for being so pretentious. I shouldn't need an orange, or any other fruit for that matter, to enjoy my beer. Which leads me into my next one...

Corona
Wow, Corona is patently horrible. And don't even start in on the whole "oh you need to have it with a lime..." malarky. Why would I drink a beer that needs a crutch. That's like saying "hey natty light is great, you just have to coat your tongue with a anesthetic first". No. This logic does not fly. Take your shitty douchefag beer far away from me please.

Coors Light
Have you taken large amounts of steroids and require an undetectable diuretic? Well, that's about the only thing that Coors Light is good for.

Schlitz
Schlitz is a beer that can only best be summed up by a line in Super Troopers:

"Let me get 6 Schlitz"
"We don't have Schlitz"
"Fuck it, then whatever is free"

Busch/Busch Light
The official beer of being homeless. Even though it's the same price as High Life, most homeless people have gotten to where they are because they made bad decisions, and this one is no different.

Miller Genuine Draft
Typical American garbage. No, it's not a very unique or cool beer to drink, and it tastes like you just got off a shift at Moe's. Don't even bother

So tomorrow I'm spending my day writing a fiction manuscript that is due sometime soon. It's about a guy who graduates from a prestigious school at the top of his class and is forced to take a job writing obituaries for a small town paper. So he does lots of pills and has a secret fetish for enemart. If only I was kidding. Anyway.

-Joe