Allow me to wine, dine, and stand-up 69

69th post in most likely over a year of blogging.

Man, that is some slack shit. Right now I'm hanging out at my parents house in west palm beach, probably for one of the last times. I'm writing this on my sister's laptop, and quite honestly, after about a year back on a desktop, writing on a laptop keyboard is a giant pain in the ass. I'm waiting for everyone to get done with their family dinners so we can go out and try and have a fun evening in a boring town. I'm hoping that my years of living here have endowed me with some sort of wisdom and experience that I can apply to my writing, but even lately that's been unsuccessful. Maybe I'm just not channeling the right experiences. Maybe I should just say "fuck it" and write a memoir. I feel like my life has at least been entertaining and interesting enough to do so. I feel like over the past 15 years of living in Florida, I've been imparted with an uncanny ability to describe the human condition. I feel like this is everything I was born to do. I was born to bring to light things people have never thought of before, and the idea of that is both enthralling and terrifying at the same time.

Enthralling because I feel like I can impart ideas and capture people's imaginations the way the Rowling, and Gaiman, and Bukowski, and Klosterman, and even more recently Fowles did for me. Because, hey, maybe I can write that sentence that makes some awkward teenager go "wait, fuccccccckkkkk" the way all of those writers did for me. Maybe I can be the person who juxtaposes the profound with the ridiculous like Dave Barry did for his generation. Maybe I really can be a great writer and a profound thinker like I aspire to be.

But with all of that, it's still mildly terrifying. Terrifying to know that I'm just as capable of fucking everything up. Terrifying to know that the career I've chose to undertake is one that has a pretty low success rate. But it's something I have to do. I feel like I have this unmistakable talent that few of my peers do.

Time to get shit rolling.

-Joe

I guess you didn't get the note on your nightstand about setting the house on fire

So, I guess I've taken one of those accidental hiatuses that seem to happen all the fucking time. Sorry. Really. I'll try harder next time. I swearz it.

Anyway, so much random garbage has happened since the last time I updated this rock that I don't feel obligated to make a catch up entry for the three people who read this. In fact, as I sit here, I have no fucking idea what to write about honestly. I've got a million other things on my mind actually. I've recently begun to undertake the gigantic project of trying to clean up my room so I can limit the distractions available once I decide to get cracking on the general landfill worth of ultimately pointless and completely unnecessary school assignments that are due in the coming days and weeks. So, instead of honing my actual craft and working on trying to publish a book, I'm stuck throwing together a mock business plan with idiots and tools who look to me to organize everything because I'm the only one in our group with any sort of brain stem, for a restaurant that I ultimately have no interest in ever seen through to creation. On the same train of thought, instead of working on this novella that I was, at one point, in the process of writing (and can no longer work on until the end of the semester), I'm stuck writing several papers that, ultimately, are not of interest to anyone. These papers will be read once by the professor (maybe) and definitely not by me, because I never read papers after I am finished with them. Hell, I don't even proofread papers. Ever. I can't honestly remember the last time I proofread a paper. I think it's honestly quite a waste of time because it doesn't sound like me after I correct it. So whatever, fuck it. Proofreading is for ninnies. I'll take my B for grammar and mechanics and discard the comment of "proofread more carefully" on every paper because it's just not that important to me. I feel like lack of proofreading is my silent protest. It's like the big "fuck you" to all of these academic assholes who assign papers that really have no sort of practical application to the world at large.

In fact, the only thing that these stupid analysis papers are actually good for is preparing you for grad school. And, the funny part about that is that once you get out of grad school, you inevitably go become a teacher (because really, what sort of job are you getting with a masters or a doctorate in English?), and then you go and torture kids with similar retarded and pointless papers. It's the circle of fucking life. You're abused by your parents, and then you grow up and abuse your kids. Maybe this is why I hate 99% of the people in my major; they are just in it to forcibly penetrate the assholes of previously well meaning (although probably completely pretentious) kids with utter garbage like Gulliver's Travels and Justine over and over again.

It's all the same, and nothing changes.

-Joe

My 25 (or 43) favorite songs

Self-explanitory. Sort of filler. No order. Rock on.

1. NOFX-"The Decline"
2. The Lawrence Arms-"The Disaster March"
3. The Mars Volta-"Frances the Mute"
4. The Goo Goo Dolls-"Iris"
5. Tom Petty-"American Girl"
6. Against Me!-"I Still Love You Julie"
7. A Wilhelm Scream-"The King is Dead"
8. The Hold Steady-"Chips Ahoy!"
9. Bob Marley and the Wailers-"Redemption Song"
10. Damien Rice-"Cannonball"
11. Godspeed You! Black Emperor-"Sleep"
12. Foo Fighters-"Everlong"
13. Jimmy Eat World-"Big Casino"
14. American Steel-"Finally Alone"
15. Amon Amarth-"Under the Northern Star"
16. Municipal Waste-"Born to Party"
17. Animal Collective-"Bluish"
18. Bad Religion-"Sorrow"
19. The Beach Boys-"God Only Knows"
20. Jawbreaker-"Kiss the Bottle"
21. Ennio Morricone-"Theme from A Fistful of Dollars"
22. Eluvium-"Seeing You Off the Edges"
23. The Gaslight Anthem-"The Backseat"
24. Fake Problems-"Heart BPM"
25. Propagandhi-"Iteration"
26. LaGrecia-"Silently Just"
27. The Locust-"Armless and Overactive/Invented Organs"
28. Modern Life is War-"Midnight in America"
29. The National-"Slow Show"
30. Osker-"Going on the Instincts"
31. Panda Bear-"Comfy in Nautica"
32. Ludacris-"Get Back"
33. Pg.lost-"The Day Shift"
34. Pharoahe Monch-"Welcome to the Terrordome"
35. Planes Mistaken For Stars-"One Fucked Pony"
36. Samiam-"As We're Told"
37. Say Anything-"Admit It!!!"
38. Small Brown Bike-"I Will Bury You In Me"
39. Sundowner-"Midsummer Classic"
40. The Swellers-"Fire Away"
41. Thrice-"Stand and Feel Your Worth"
42. Clipse-"Trill"
43. Radiohead-"Reckoner"
44. Weezer-"Only in Dreams"

Classic discussion

Hey kids,

Not a whole lot of time to talk today, since I've got work in about an hour and I still need to shower/shave/finish this grilled cheese/try and be a pace car in the awful traffic jam on the way to work. Then it's an open to close shift of boring, needy, indecisive people so I can hopefully make enough money to pay the electric bill. Such is life, I suppose. We live, work, and die. But somehow, life is a little bit more exciting for me lately. Maybe it's the fact that over the next few months, money is going to be really tight and it's going to take some inventive living on my part to make everything fall into place. Maybe it's the fact that one of my best friends is about to move in with me this weekend, and it'll be nice to have a pleasant soul in the house instead of a bunch of bros, and it'll be nice to be able to get drunk and do ridiculous shit. It'll also be nice to get some quality music writing done, which seems to be the only part of the album writing process that I really would like some chemistry with. Maybe it's the fact that in less than 4 months, I'll be allowed to legally drink. That'll be nice. No more incognito getting drunk prior to public events. Good times. Maybe it's the fact that fall always seems to entail a ridiculous amount of hijinks, regardless of what year. Fall for me has always been the time of new experiences, for whatever reason. Even last year, when I was a seasoned college student, I did a ton of shit and pushed boundaries like I didn't even expect. I'm excited for fall. Hopefully it cools down a lot, and the weather stays clear. I love the end of summer and early fall, as well as mid winter. The best part of the year is yet to come. Anyway, work.

xoxo

It's the end of the world as we know it.

So if you've been to a movie theater within the past two months, chances are you've seen a few movie trailers repeat themselves. Particularly, 9 looks to be a stellar and epic battle of little potato sack guys (or something) against machines while Coheed and Cambria plays in the background. Another one that seems to have an alarming amount of trailers out is 2012, the movie about the Mayan-predicted apocalypse with Kevin Spacey and shit. I dunno, it's a lot like all of those other apocalypse movies in that it looks really cool in the previews, but you know exactly what's going to happen, it's not very realistic, and it's probably going to gargle chodes.

I once met a girl at a party where I knew just the crew of friends that had come with me. This girl was the most attractive girl at the party, but even then, she wasn't exactly a beauty. Regardless, she was one of the few that was not instantly filed under "mountain troll," so she garnered her fair share of attention. However, instead of trying to further her case for a wang to bring home that night and cuddle with, she started talking about how she was absolutely frightened of the Mayan prediction of the apocalypse in 2012. Needless to say, most everyone stopped talking to her after this.

Personally, I think worrying about the apocalypse is a pretty silly thing to do. For one, the day the earth decides it's going to end, that is pretty much it. Regardless of any preparations you make, and any ideas about escaping the planet before it dies, I'm pretty sure an entire fucking planet deciding to self-destruct is not going to be foiled by the actions of even millions of people. Armageddon is a force much bigger than any number of people, and nothing you or I do is going to stop it the day it happens. And if there is nothing we can do to change the inevitable, then you know what? So be it. The world could end at any moment, and I'm certain that if I knew it were to end soon, I wouldn't be typing an overly personified blog when there is any number of things I could be doing.

So in the end, will the world end? Who really knows? I know I don't. But what I do know is that, if the world does decide to end, I'm throwing a party. What better way to go out, right?

Baked Lays: A sad metaphor for my sex life, or merely chips?

Oh wow, so I've posted one entry a month for the past two months. Shame shame Joeycakes. Well, I could sit here and apologize, and then make some stupid excuses as to why I haven't posted, and then promise to post more, but I'm pretty sure that's what I've done the past two months. So, I'm just going to say that I have missed all of you 6 followers that I have. How are you? Everything good? I'm glad. Not really. That's cheesy and way too Chuck Palahniuk for my taste, thanks.

So uh, not really sure where to start. This past month or so has been pretty fun. I'm officially moved out of the bro mansion for good, and I couldn't be happier. Aside from passing moments where both parties are most likely thoroughly intoxicated, I will never have to see those three again, and already it feels like a behemoth weight has been lifted from my shoulders. In typical fashion, they left a ton of their bullshit behind which required me to hang around and clean up/throw away a ton of shit. The silver lining is that now I have a steamer, which I have been trying to get my hands on for a while but haven't had the money (although I do own a walmart steamer basket, so that was pretty handy). I guess the gold lining is that hopefully, I will never have to deal with such complete retards in such close quarters for the rest of my life. That is, until we have Guns 'n' Roses open up for us on our arena headlining tour. OBVIOUSLY.

So I dunno what's going on. Today is boring. I'm eating leftover pizza from I can't remember when, and drinking some swill bud light that I found in the fridge. It's not very good, but in that I didn't buy it, I have no remorse drinking it for free. Definitely drinking it out of a glass though, because fuck actually clutching such a bottle of douche swill.

Anyway, I'm gonna go hang somewhere else on the internet on this unnaturally cloudy day. l8er sk8ers.

You'll never be safe and sound

"Life is a gift, not a given."

Last night, driving home from some raucous evening of drinking and dancing to ridiculous music with even more ridiculous people, a good friend of mine mentioned the above in passing, and more than anything else I heard that night, that stuck with me more than anything that I've heard recently.

To me, it makes a lot of sense. Life is a gift; the gift is the opportunity to be what you want in life. It's the opportunity to better yourself, or to fall in line with the rank-in-file. And that choice is what makes all the difference. Life, for many, ends up being about what comes easiest or what makes them the most money, regardless of if they enjoy are doing. Life, for many, is about the destination, and not the journey. But really, what is the destination without the journey?

The only true destination that is common amongst everyone is death. Clearly, no one starts living with the desire to die as their only goal, a patient in life's waiting room. Life is as much about the day-to-day struggles of living as it is one's greatest triumphs. It's the struggles, toils, heartbreaks, and disapointments that we face head on that make us stronger, and similarly, it's those setbacks and troubles that prepare us to fully embrace life's greatest heights.

There is nothing beautiful about a privileged life--the beauty in all of life is born from the tragedy that one day, it'll all be over. It's what we make of our time here that matters most.

xoxo

Joe

Criminal neglect, what the fuck

Holy hell, haven't updated this thing in fucking eons. I have no legitimate reason for this. I haven't been working THAT much, haven't really been doing anything that outrageous, and definitely haven't been busy at all. I was contemplating writing out a random spewing facebook note, but that seems pretty silly to do. I mean, firstly, who the fuck reads facebook notes that they aren't tagged in? I do, but that's partially because I'm a creepy shithead. Moving on.

I have been experimenting a lot in the kitchen lately. Not just with foods mind you, also with different activities. The showering in the kitchen/cooking in the bathroom thing isn't really working out for me though. Damn. However, I did make a lights out grilled cheese the other day. Seriously, it's the best. Maybe I'll let one of you try it. Or maybe not. Bitches. I used a few key ingredients, but the most important were the velveeta singles, the cracked black pepper, Jane's mixed up salt, and a light coat of minced garlic on the inside of the sammich. It was pretty epic.

Lately, in the most homoerotic way possible, I've been revisiting the Harry Potter books/movies. As much credibility as that definitely loses me, I have to vehemently back up the fact that the Harry Potter series is an incredibly solid contribution to literature for not just kids, but adults as well. I mean, shit, this series kept me from driving my grades into the ground c/o Pokemon Blue. Plus, it's a fuckload better than the garbage passing for teenage literature these days (Twilight, I'm staring right at your fucking grave).

Anyway, see you ladies in hell.

xoxo

Joe

The weather is hot and the cocktails are cold

So, I guess it's now officially summer.  Well, maybe not actually summer according to silly dates, but in Florida, we only have like two seasons anyway, and if its above 90 degrees with thunderstorms in the afternoon, it's indisputably summertime.  What's great about summer (for a lot of people, anyway) is that it means a genuine reprieve of social and educational responsibility.  Not to say that everyone quits their jobs and stops taking classes, but everyone at least scales things back a little bit (unless they are clinically retarded).  So, tis the season to spend your entire friday getting wasted from sunrise to...well sunrise again.  In fact, I'm debating on whether I should do that today.  I know I'm going to get a hot dog in a bit, but aside from that, the world is my oyester today!  Especially because the oyester, I've always considered to be the biggest alcoholic of shellfish.  But I digress; here is a bit of a summer drinking style guide, for those of you eager for my opinion.

What to Drink This Summer, Pt 1:  Breakfast

Bloody Mary:  The bloody mary, for me anyway, is the premium wake up cocktail.  The mix of tomato juice, vodka, celery, and everything else is great for a "hair of the dog" hangover cure, and it goes particularly well with scrambled eggs or a garden/southwest omelet with salsa.  There are two x-factor ingredients in bloody marys that separate them from the crowd.  The first is the type of vodka you use.  Tomato juice acts like many other fruit juices, in that it works to kill the harsh bite of the vodka.  This makes cheap vodka a viable alternative to anything good, so don't bother making a fancy grey goose mary, because you won't really taste the difference.  If you do go with expensive vodka, however, Absolut Peppar is the way to go.  Adds a great bite to it.  Secondly, celery salt is absolutely essential to a solid bloody mary.  Much like celery salt turns a chicago hot dog from something pedestrian to something amamzing, it does the exact same thing with bloody marys.  No bloody mary is complete without it.

Screwdriver: Another fixture of the morning alcoholic.  Thanks to Orange juice, this is also a great breakfast cocktail.  However, it doesn't quite mix as well with eggs as the bloody mary does, so you should probably drink this when you are eating other breakfast foods, such as pancakes, french toast, waffles, Count Chocula, etc.  A lot of people consider screwdrivers acceptable drinks at night, but you pretty much look like a horrendous creep if you are drinking orange juice that late at night.  The only exception is if you are at a really lame house party, and that is all they have to mix it with.  

Joose/Sparks/Tilt:  A bit of a curve ball, in that most people consider these drinks that 13 year olds pound late at night behind the movie theater dumpster.  But Joose/Sparks/Tilt (in that order of importance) has taken on a whole new role, particularly with the development of the energy drink generation as alcohol imbibers.  What is great about these drinks is that all of them have both caffeine (roughly 1-2 cups of coffee per drink) and alcohol (1-4 beers per drink).  And the best part is that they are generally very cheap, ranging from 1-2 dollars per can.  This is the perfect thing to start your day, and also helps with hangover relief too.  

That's it for this segment, but keep checking back for whenever I get less lazy and post the next episode in this segment, where I tackle the lunch and afternoon cocktails section.  

xoxo

Joe

On the road again

Well, 56 hours, and over 3400 miles later, I'm back in the wonderful sunshine state.  I'm currently sitting in my apartment drinking beer on a monday night, because the semester wrapped up the day I left for the road trip.  Speaking of the semester, I ended up with straight B's this semester.  Yay for massively underachieving in college.  However, I did get a B+, so that is good.  But it's not really good, because I really doubt anyone will care what grades I got in college when I'm writing a book or touring with a band.  But, I digress.

Lots of funny things happened on the trip.  Mostly, it consisted of a lot of driving, and a lot of eating, and a lot of pooping.  In fact, this seems incredible, but on I-65 entering Kentucky, within a mile of the state line, there is a 24 hour porn super store.  What is more incredible is that this porn store is located in the middle of a strip mall that was completely abandoned.  There are the remenants of stores throughout, but all have been abandoned for some time.  The only other thing that is still in business is the strip club (unfortunately, that was not open at 545 on a tuesday morning).  Anyway, to add to the sheer remarkability of this, 12 miles down the road, there is another porn store that is open 24/7, and that is also a former tourist information center.  

To be honest, there was a lot of funny stuff that happened.  However, my current busy schedule of drinking does not allow for much discussion of it.  So, I will bid farewell here and just conclude with:  Yes, I did have fun on my trip, thanks for asking.    More to come later.

xoxoxo

Joe

Neglecting this thing like my health

So, dreadfully sorry for the complete lack of updates.  I've been busy with a lot of things.  Mostly procrastinating.  Procrastinating seems to take up a lot of my time actually.  I waited until 12 hours before it was due to start my 8 page research paper.  All of these late nights and caffeine binges, however, are pretty much guaranteeing the fact that my health currently sucks.  I woke up this morning coughing and feeling like I had just been steamrolled.  So, thanks to my currently ailing health, I'm bombing Airborne like an AIDS patient, hoping that my immune system can make a Joe Montana comeback before the lack of sleep/liver abuse that is going to come next week in going to Chicago and Philadelphia.   

Needless to say though, I'm really excited.  This is the first time as an adult that I've been able to go on an out of state trip.  I probably would have gone last summer, or even the summer before that, but money has always been short, and gas has always been expensive.  Now is the perfect time though.  I'm ready to go and experience shit on my own in places I've never been.  Needless to say, I will be documenting this at any moment possible.  So expect some fun posts about that.  

Anyway, work, so l8er sk8ers.  

xoxox

Joe

The endlesss struggle of wasps

I complain.  You complain.  We all, unfortunately, complain from time to time.  Anyone who says otherwise probably complains about people complaining too much, or complains about someone viewing the concept of complaining about complaining as legitimate complaining.

But there is a time when even I have to say that enough is enough.  

And yes, I realize that it is wholly ironic that I have a blog, much of which centers around complaining about things such as lack of sleep, shitty roommates, etc.  However, there is absolutely a time when complaining becomes wholly ridiculous and completely unnecessary.  Namely, when you don't try to do anything to fix what you're complaining about.  

Most people, unfortunately, hate their jobs.  But a lot of these people seem to complain constantly about jobs while ignoring some really simple solutions.  Personally, I've been employed pretty much constantly (minus college last year and a short duration of my senior year) since I was 16.  And believe me, I've had a lot of jobs.  A lot of shitty jobs too, wooo boy.  Shitty jobs with piece of shit managers that weren't fair, ever.  I used to bitch a lot about my jobs with shitty managers a lot too.  But, through all of these crappy jobs with unfair managers, I learned how to deal.

I learned.  I learned that life is really unfair sometimes.  I learned that, sometimes, no matter what you do, it seems like you can never get ahead.  I learned that, in the real world, you shouldn't live with a sense of entitlement, because reality sucks sometimes, and the world isn't fair.  Need evidence?  Look at the fact that some of the most brilliant minds on the planet were a victim of their own circumstance.  Someone who lives in a shack, starving to death, with no running water in Nigeria could be the next Barry Sanders, Tupac, Usain Bolt, or James fucking Patterson, but because of their circumstances, they'll probably die before they turn 30.  Or, what about that adorably fugly Chinese girl who was supposed to sing the national anthem at the olympics, but because of how she looked, the government made her sing backstage so the cute one could show the world.  That's a fucking circumstance that's a little hard to get around.  

See, in America, we have this cool thing called freedom.  Now, freedoms get abridged all the time, but hey, the basic ones are still there.  So, if you don't like your job, or you feel like you are being treated unfairly and not getting the kind of schedule that you believe you deserve, THEN FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, OR FUCKING LEAVE.  The thing about having a job that doesn't require a specific, particular skill set is that you have to bring something to the table that other people don't.  Personally, working in a restaurant, I try and assure that I don't get caught with down time.  I manage myself so my managers can worry about other things.  I run food, I clean shit, I do dumb errands that, in the grand scheme of the fucking place, probably don't significantly change anything.  But its the fact that my managers know that, when they schedule me, they get something that they don't get when they schedule other people.  By not doing that, and not even trying to be mildly exceptional, why would they put you on the schedule, when they can put someone else on, who will do their core duties as well as you?  That is like paying the same amount for a mazda as a beamer.  

I learned the hard way.  I spent 4 years in JROTC in high school working my ass off and working against an instructor that actively loathed me.  I went above and beyond what nearly everyone else in the program did, but in the end, I got stiffed.  Hard.  Life is unfair, but as a privileged, white, anglo-saxon, you have it a lot better off than plenty of other people in the world.   

In fact, be grateful you have a job, because there are a million people lined up with the same skills and something more than you don't offer.

RAH!

xoxox

Joe

Not really related to much I post here

But I'm really excited.  

May 4th marks the beginning of an era.  An era where summer stagnancy will not be tolerated, and one where food and booze will be consumed, women will be pillaged, and horizons will be expanded. 

From May 4th (following my Film/Lit final), until May 10th, I along with a band of fellow alcoholic cohorts will embark on a journey to the promiseland: Chicago, IL.  From there, we will travel to America's Fattest City:  Cleveland, OH.  And then, rounding out the Oddysey-esque journey, will be the mecca of all things American (sort of):  Philadelphia, PA.  

I'm pretty fucking esctatic.  

Scream your head off for the sake of screaming more

So I'm sitting on campus, being one of the self important dickheads eating up time on one of the library computers doing something completely unrelated to academia in any shape or form. I used to get really pissed when I watched people doing dumb shit on the computer when my laptop was broken at the beginning of the year, and right now, considering all of the computers are full, I'm fairly certain there is someone eyeing me with disdain because I'm sitting here cranking out a completely irrelevant and vapidly self-aware ironic-sort of intro to an unotherwise unrelated blog. In fact, that big block of text is arguably one of the most pointless excercises in wordy pretention that I think I've ever written. The only thing I can think of that was probably wordier and said less was my entire final paper for my Comp 2 class in college.

In fact, I'm fairly certain that paper could act as a metaphor for my entire academic career post-junior year of high school. Literally, I had known of this paper from January when the class started. So naturally, I forgot all about it until 3 days before it was due when I got to class and realized that we had to turn in our topics that day. To be honest, I cannot remember what my topic was for the life of me. I'm sure it was something really dumb. In fact, I can't even remember if it had to be related to literature at all. Who knows. Anyway, I started researching this paper roughly 36 hours before it was due (we needed 5 in-print sources), started writing it about 18 hours before it was due, burnt through the night, only to finish it 20 minutes before class, and to arrive at class 12 minutes late to turn it in.

I got a 96 on this paper.

What's funny is that I literally continue this pattern for every assignment I have in college. I haven't legitimately done homework more than an hour in advance in probably 2 years, and for some reason, I'm still hauling around a better GPA than I had in high school. Not that I'm really bragging, because I'm almost upset with the fact that everyone made college out to be the end all and be all of my future, and I kind of just can't bring myself to care about a system that prides itself on repetition, memorization, and following the antequated thought processes that it does.

College has pretty much become an acting class for me. I spent all of last semester in a world lit class, participating more than anyone else, and not having read a fraction of what we were supposed to read. It's so easy to half-ass your way through classes that have very little to do with any sort of applicable skill, and classes that are built so systematically that they don't even require thinking. I'm convinced that once you figure out the basic idea of a lit class, there is no need to even read. All of the works follow the same predictable theme, and even the "unconventional" is still linear. Just because a book is old, shouldn't automatically mean that it is good.

I realize this sounds like the pretentious bitching of someone who shouldn't be an English major in the first place, but isn't the point of English to break the rules? No one who was ever a truly great writer merely followed formula. It's the exceptional writers that make original work. The one's who break rules, and defy conventions, and throw all of the pre-determined ideas of what is important that do great things. Learning about deconstruction in my theories of lit class is probably the most ironic situation that I'll ever find myself in. Because for all of the worrying about the opressed minority, we certainly don't do shit to actually read what they had to say.

xoxo

Joe

Having a nonworking backlight makes for some interesting texts

So, I don't have any insightful observations tonight.  Just two stories that kind of made me lol.  

1.  So I'm planning a road trip to Chicago on the first week of May.  One of my friends decided she wanted to come, but I lost her phone number.  I told her to send it to me in a facebook message, which she did.  However, I was bored and waiting to help my friend move, and as such, checking facebook on my phone with a nonworking backlight.  So I plugged the number into my phone and shot her a text, but she never responded.  So tonight, I'm sitting here downloading fetish porn and eating a salad when I decide to double check the number.  Of course, I sent the text to the wrong number.  What was the body of the text, you ask?

"RYAN THERIOT IS A COCKSMOKING HOMOFAG"

In case this went right over your head, my friend is a diehard Cubs fan, and Ryan Theriot (who plays for them) is essentially her god.  I dunno why either.  But alas, I'm just praying that some old person got this text message and is slowly contemplating the remainder of their life.

2.  My roomates all suck (see the "you'll never get out of this apartment alive" post).  I have gotten so fed up with them that I can't even tolerate to be in the apartment with them anymore.  Anyway, they like to go out late at night to various fast food places (or just the freezer to get one of those ridiculous hearty man frozen dinners), and bring back their bro-fuel (or just launch it in the microwave), and then leave the sewage all over the living room table.  The other day, it got to the point where I physically couldn't stomach the piles of garbage in our living room.  I used up  four thirteen gallon trashbags removing the broesidue, a bottle of Fantastick, half a roll of paper towels, and a vacuum cleaner filter.  And, while I'm doing all of this, no one offers to help or says thanks.  Instead, one of my roommates, in a worried tone goes:

"you're not having a party or anything tonight are you?"

Which almost made me explode as much as coming in from work today to find a fucking PAPER PLATE on the living room table.  I'm almost thinking I should invest in a garbage can to put right in front of the couch, although I'm pretty sure one of them would break it much like the dining room chairs.  

xoxo

Joe

The women and the cavier

Anyone who says that Ludacris is more of a objectifying misogynist than the Beach Boys is clearly out of their mind.

I say this mostly because I'm disappointed.  Disappointed in the fact that there are still people who are around my age that are so closed minded that they can't accept hip-hop as a legitimate form of music.  Arguments include "they don't play real instruments," "they only sing about bitches and money," and "you can't spell CRAP without RAP LOLOLOL." 

While all of these arguments made by assnecks in Drowning Pool shirts and JNCO jeans are obviously well informed and articulate, I can't help but get completely pissed off when hearing some of this.  The point that irks me in particular is the idea that "they only sing about bitches and money."  Not only is this completely assbackwards (much like their chromosome order), but it's completely ignorant of the fact that rock bands sing about similar shit all the time.  

Sure, a lot of mainstream rap songs focus on objectifying women and what not (take your pick from pretty much anything that my sister listens to), but look at one of the most popular songs of 2006-2007--"Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry.  Now, I'm not advocating that fucking Buckcherry should qualify as a prime example of talented music that still objectifies women (much the opposite, I find Buckcherry's success disturbing and appalling on an entirely superior level), but no one can really deny the fact that this was one of the most ridiculously popular songs of the past few years.  And not for nothing, a huge chunk of the fanbase included the same idiots who act all pseudo-offended by mainstream hip hop and bitches and hoes and tricks and what not.  

But even the fucking BEACH BOYS objectified women.  A group who is considered one of the most musically innovative of all time (mostly for Pet Sounds, but still), and they wrote some songs about bitches, hoes, and cars (not necessarily with that wording).  I mean, "Girls on the Beach" is about creepishly staring at girls tanning.  "Little Duece Coup" is about how bitchin' Brian Wilson's fucking car was.  "I Get Around" was literally about driving said car around, looking for new places to be awesome at picking up girls.  Sound familiar enough to "Pimpin' All Over the World?"

xoxo

Joe

I hope you perish

I don't like crazy/stupid women.

This applies to mostly crazy girlfriends.  Particularly crazy girlfriends that like to break into your apartment at 4:30 in the morning (not my crazy [non-existent?] girlfriend, mind you).  Generally, this kind of person is really not suitable to live with.  I had a crazy girlfriend once.  Thankfully she didn't drive though, so she really couldn't come over to my house.  This was a while ago.  Boy it sucks having to deal with someone who is legitimately batshit insane though.  I remember in particular, she used to do this thing where we would be in the mall, and we would both see a girl, and she would inevitably ask "what do you think of her?"  At this point, I had two options.  Option one included saying "no, you're way better looking and she's just GROSS," regardless of what she looked like.  This could go one of two ways (as it usually does with crazy girlfriends, and mostly unpredictably).  Either she would appreciate it (rare) or she would get wholly offended by it, especially if she thought she was uglier than said girl.  Then I would get called a judgemental raging cockmongler (or something similar, and less literate because she was kind of a retard).  The flip side was almost invariably worse though.  If I did answer affirmatively, on an extremely rare occasion, she would agree.  But, more than likely, this would spur "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU ARE A RAGING CHEATING ASSHOLE I HOPE YOU PERISH."  That was a fun little paradox to play with.

One of my friends though has a crazy girlfriend too.  She actually kicked him out of their house on Saturday night.  And then he left to come to my apartment to crash, at which point she decided to show up at my apartment, at 4:30 am, to kick him out of MY apartment.  Crazy shit.

I think it's fitting that my 50th post was a dumb, irrelevant post about silly ex girlfriends.  

xoxo

Joe

Update:  Oh how ironic my life is.  She got arrested last night for criminal mischief hahahahahahahahah.   I love me some me.  

Just a bit of news

I'm writing a full length album.  It will be hopefully recorded sometime early next year at the latest.  Supporting cast: TBA.  More details to come.  I'm going to start documenting some of the songwriting process when I get a little more solidified.  

xoxo

Joe

It's the home of police who kill black boys on mopeds

Lately, it seems life has tried to cast a very dark cloud over our lives.  Not necessarily mine, although a recent trip home seemingly worked hard to stamp out any last smoldering ash of optimism in my life, but over everyone.  It's miserably cliche to recite the laundry list of shit going on in the world right now, but it seems like the world is coming apart at the seams.  

Personally, I had to put my dog to sleep after he developed some weird neurocies.  I came home to find out that not only was our house for sale, but that my parents were short selling it to pay back various debts.  We were served with court papers twice in the same week for various shit dealing with the house (almost entirely due to this miserable recession).  And, to top it all off...MY DAD HAS A FUCKING FACEBOOK.  WHO DECIDED TO KILL FUN ON THE INTERNET FOR ME?  SHEESH LIFE IS SO HARD!

In general, it just seems like everyone is losing their minds.  People are worried about getting married at 20 and everyone seems to be running around like they are in the ocean covered in chum.  Everyone is staying in on Friday and Saturday nights to study and worry about what's coming after college.  Everyone seems to be panicking like college is going to be the most make or break part of their life; like whoever they are currently dating has to fit into the mold of a perfect partner because oh my god that is the ONE and god fucking forbid a relationship fails ever.  Everyone is freaking out like it's the end of the world, and to be honest, I'm not exactly the most collected person either.  

But the more and more I think about it, the more I know that in the end, we'll all be okay.  We're going to make it through the shit, just like everyone made it through before.  Maybe it will be a bit of a humbling lesson to everyone.  And hopefully, more than anything, it will be a lesson that there are much worse things in the world then having to kill a dead end relationship, or getting a C in some class from a third tier state university.  

And in the end, we'll all be okay.

Neglecting this like a first born

So it's been a while. I don't have anything in particular interesting to say. I'm eating cold pizza and sitting with my cat, enjoying the last 45 minutes before I have to drive back to Brolando and go to work at 5:45. I spent this past weekend at Harvest of Hope, which was pretty great suffice it to say. There is nothing like waking up drunk at 8 am, to fall out of your tent face first into a pile of dirt. Mmmm. Tastes like fucking victory.

Anyway, I've begun to realize something about going to shows. Maybe it's the fact that I'm slowly getting older, but I'm finding out that more and more, I hate some of the people who still go to shows of my favorite bands. Take Against Me! for example. They use to be this tiny little band that everyone thought sucked, until they put out a popular album, at which point everyone exceptionlessly thought that "the old stuff was better". Nevermind the fact that when Reinventing Axl Rose was released in 2000-whatever, everyone thought it sucked harder than a coked out hooker. Now they have good production and shit, maaaaaan. Gotta hate them. They sold out because, somewhere, between the ages of 17 and 30, they changed their mind. They decided that, as valiant of a fucking effort as it was, they couldn't deal with trying to play shows for free and what not. And who could fucking blame them? If you could make a living doing what you love over what you're forced to accept as a suitable alternative, you'd be crazy not to do it. It's not selling out people; it's growing up.

Needless to say, I just hate hearing people vehemently trash a band's music while they are sitting right there watching them. I feel like if you can't at least put aside your personal gripes for the songs they are playing, then don't watch them right up at the front. Go towards the back, drink your hipster beer, and talk to your friends about the good old days when x-band didn't suck. Different strokes for different folks, and I understand that, but don't ruin other people's good time just because you aren't having a good time. Then no one wins. I don't like to hear whining about music I'm enjoying while I'm enjoying it, just as much you wouldn't want me up there, standing with my arms crossed and bitching about how I hate the old stuff.

I'm only 20, but I swear I was in crowds with 10 year olds this whole weekend. Bitchy, whiney 10 year olds who can't cope with the fact that SOME bands get bored of playing songs that they have played for upwards of 10 years now.

I know this wasn't exactly the most positive, upbeat entry or anything, but it's something I had to get out there. And...get excited for more posts from now on. At least over spring break.

xoxo

Joe

25 things I didn't care to know

So recently that whole 25 things meme has been floating around facebook incessantly.  Now I realize that I actually did it too, and that I also encouraged it by tagging 25 people, most of whom I was pretty sure would do it, but really, don't do the 25 things unless you have something interesting or intelligent to say.  So here, I'm going to go through my friends and pick out 16 (because I'm too lazy to do 25) of the most awful things that retards on facebook wrote.  

 

1. i really want a girlfriend right now.--This gets me every fucking time.  Why would anyone WANT a girlfriend/boyfriend/dogfriend?  It's like saying "I want extra stress in my life and don't care who it comes from as long as they are the opposite sex."  Wanting a relationship to me is the dumbest thing ever.  It's promoting settling for someone that you don't REALLY want, but you're just too afraid of being alone and incapable of being interesting by yourself.  

 

2. I masturbate a lot and porn rules. if you don't like it then you're weird dude. --Strikingly personal information for a dumb facebook meme, but I will preface this with the fact that earlier in the note, he admitted to being a virgin.  I don't think I'm the only one in this case who can see why.  Oh, ps, adding "dude" to the end of your sentences on facebook=you clearly hate bacon.  

 

3. i still enjoy breakdowns.--Self-explanitory.  You're just a retard.  Oh, and this isn't interesting at all (much like it's inclusion in this list).  

 

4. i absolutely love it when girls wear those knitted hats and have excellent taste in music. also, when they have any part of their nose pierced.--Dude I don't even have a goddamn clue what you are talking about.  That's like saying "I like girls who play cricket and have got exactly eight parking tickets in their lives."  Like how are the two fucking related at all?  

 

5. i think i'm really good looking--You're not, don't worry.  You also probably thought you were really interesting too. 

 

6. oh! i smoke cigarettes like a motherfucker and i really like when girls also smoke cigarettes.--I've never heard of cigarette smoking being a turn on.  Until now.  You probably also actively look for a girl who still has the track marks from the drano she shoots up weirdo.  

7. i love beejs.--If you're admitting this on facebook, you've never gotten a "beej".  

 

8. One time a girl told me she wanted to have my eyes--This makes you both tremendously interesting and unique!  Ps who gives a shit?

 

9.  i also caught my hair on fire last year and the patch is still growing back.--Can you say "epic fail"?

 

10.  i really want to work with kids; we relate so well.--I'm glad you can relate to creatures with an undeveloped brain.  Why don't you just admit to having an emotional connection with a betta fish?

 

11.  I like sleeping naked.--File under "things I didn't ever want to know, ever."  

 

12. I grew up listening to a lot of Motown and classic rock, so I have a hard time listening to the cRAP of today.--Really guys?  Are we STILL in 7th grade when it was cool to make the cRAP/Rap association?  Plus, Straight Out of Compton is ten times the album than fucking Highway to Hell orZeppelin IV will ever be. 

 

13.  I really want to visit a leper colony one day--Well.  Okay...

 

14.  I don't know how people throughout time have managed to keep their sanity in regards to the pointlessness of it all.--Then why don't you just kill yourself?  Fuck tits man.  

 

15.  No one is to cool for GOD--I am, but you're too cool for spelling apparently.  

 

16.   Mmmmm I just farted.--Brad dated this girl.  This makes said thing much funnier.  

 

Anyway, I'm at home eating ramen between classes because my phone died and I forgot my book at home.  So alas, I cranked this out.  Coming up next: Worst college fashion trends.  

 

xoxo 

Q: Are you gay or something?

A: No.

For some reason or another, I've gotten this question a lot throughout my life.  Maybe it comes from being a pasty white kid.  Maybe it comes from the fact that the things I'm most concerned about don't involve lifting weights, protein powder, and ending every sentence with "bro".  Or, more than likely, maybe it comes from the fact that I'm the first one to make gay jokes about myself.  But is any of that really relevant towards my sexual orientation?  Nah.  

I'm not offended by it really; in fact, I'd prefer that people asked and then knew I wasn't as opposed to going through life thinking I was.  I just find it sort of amusing that because I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to make cocksucking jokes galore, people assume that I'm actually serious when I say things like that.  I mean yes, basing it of just words, it probably does seem like "oh well Joe just admitted to sucking cocks for coke".  However, I don't do cocaine, so why would me sucking cocks be any more likely in the statement?  I don't get it, but whatever.  

It's not like I'm lacking the typical guy points either.  My apartment is probably more messy than most guys I know.  I have as legitimate opinions on sports as most other guys who see the light of day occassionally.  I drink beer because I actually enjoy it.  And, mostly, I'll objectify women just as much as most other guys.  But, on the other hand, yes, I can quote Legally Blonde, drink Sangria, and openly admit to crying during Pan's Labyrinth and giving a microcosm of a shit about how I look when I leave the house in the morning.  

So, in summation, I'm not gay, if anyone was wondering.  I call it being well-rounded.  Another question though: Am I offended by it?  Not really.

hugs and anal,

Joe

You'll never make it out of this apartment alive

I like living on my own a lot.  In fact, it's arguably the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I've learned way more about basic life skills since I've moved out of my parents place than I did when I was inside of it.  I can cook, clean, and deal with minor emergencies on my own as opposed to having to rely on someone else.  I'm also in the process of learning how to take care of some basic auto maintenance on my own, but that's neither here nor there.  What I want to discuss today is living with roommates.  Unfortunately, as long as I've been living with roommates, I've had some less than stellar ones.  

When I was living in a dorm, my roommate was spoiled, closet gay kid who was whacked out on downers all the time.  Rooming with him was actually not that bad.  We never really fought, and the only time there was any sort of tension was when I would have like three friends in town for the weekend, and we would come home retardedly drunk and noisy at like 2 or 3 am.  It was actually pretty funny for the most part watching him whine to his friends about really trivial rich kid shit.  I also viewed it as a bit of a game of clue.  He was from my hometown, and several of my friends had known him prior to me rooming with him.  The overwhelming majority were all convinced that he was gay, but no one was quite sure.  After a year of rooming with him, I was still kind of unsure myself.  In fact, to this day, I have no idea if he's gay.  Sure, he watched shows like the OC and America's Next Top Model, but he also I guess tried to cover this up by talking about girls with me, and he did actually own a Girls Next Door calender.  If I had to guess, my roommate probably was gay, but I will be damned if I had any sort of conclusive evidence I guess.  I mean, I really don't care all that much,  but I just find it very funny when I meet people who know him, that's the first question I get.  Even his ex girlfriend, with whom I shared a class, asked that question.

Moving on down the list of roommates to the current situation, I ended up going with randomly assigned roommates this year in an off campus apartment.  I was originally kind of skeptical as to the kids I was rooming with (facebook is a wonderful tool for forming prejudices), but for the first few months, things were actually pretty fun.  There was a solid amount of substance abuse and a steady flow of attractive girls.  But after a while, the constant dissarray of the living room , the 2:30 AM fucking hurricanes, the constant usage of all of my shit, and just everything else got to be way too much.  Unfortunately for me, my three roommates all know each other, so I am in the overwhelming minority.  To them, it's okay to leave piles of dirty dishes in the living room, and it's alright to use whatever happens to be in the fridge, even if they didn't pay for it.  My roommates, for the most part, are completely spoiled.  None of them understand how difficult it is to get a job and just assume that if they needed one, they could find one in a minute.  

It's hard to watch people be so clueless and spoiled.  Don't get me wrong, my roommate Mike is actually really cool, and I do like him.  The other two are practically invalids though.  There is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about being a dickhead frat boy wearing Ed Hardy shirts.  Similarly, there is nothing exciting, exceptional, or cool about someone who spends their days doing nothing but ordering wingzone and just watching youtube videos all day.  

So mostly, be careful with roommates.  Don't leave the people you are going to be living with up to chance.  If you have to leave some up for chance, you're better off making sure you have at least half of the people of your residence on your side, then at least confrontation becomes an option.  And if you can room with people who, while not your absolute best friends, room with people that you can get along well with and have a good time with.  Hopefully, I'll be able to take all of my own advice finally in August.  

xoxox

Joe

Brad and I's conversations about life on FB chat. procrastination/pedophilia included

Brad

i wrote my week in rage earlier

12:19amJoe

I read it

I would have commented, but I'm busy smashing my skull into concrete

12:19amBrad

lol

12:19amJoe

because I really hate how fucking brilliant I am

at procrastinating

12:19amBrad

oh?

oh

12:20amJoe

I seriously pick up awful habits

just to find new ways to procrastinate

12:20amBrad

heroin?

12:20amJoe

no

but I normally don't smoke cigarettes unless I'm wasted

however, a cigarette break provides a great little endeavor away from getting things done

didn't drink coffee at all until I realized

oh hey

if I'm up later, I'll have even more time to put it off

all of a sudden, sleep is out of the equation

12:21amBrad

lol

12:21amJoe

with no sleep, well what the fuck, I can stay up all night putting this paper off!

and I dunno why I'm so fucking like

hard headed

the paper is only a page

but it's a page on analyzing shit I haven't read

with techniques that I don't have a fucking clue as to how to apply them

12:22amBrad

god, the other night im hanging out with some friends and i get hit on by a 16 year old sister

12:22amJoe

did you gag her?

12:22amBrad

i should have

12:22amJoe

yes or no question brad.

12:23amBrad

big no

12:23amJoe

F

A

I

L

Brad

HOWEVER

im getting a miley cyrus mask to put over her redheaded brace face

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There you have it. I'm still sitting here getting nothing accomplished.

Fuck me sally.

xoxo,

Joe

Nothing to read.

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. School has been a miserable cunt and online classes have slowly been consuming my life. It's pretty unfortunate actually. I can't even remember the last time I really went out out. It kinda sucks actually, but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough and be back to my normal antics. What sucks the most about having online classes is that, not only do they encourage procrastination, but also, I feel like I can't do anything fun while I'm online if my class stuff isn't done. Quite frankly, I feel very guilty that I'm writing this blog and not reading to fill out a discussion posting that is overdue on something that I don't care about.

Anyway, lame filler post. Nothing to read here. I'm still alive, if anyone reading this cares all that much. Something good soon, promise.

-Joe

And you must be the monopoly guy

Orlando is a pretty great place to live. I'm not particularly married to my farce of an educational institution, nor am I particularly infatuated with the veritable shit-ton of amusement parks and other such touristy crap that everyone and their uncle seems to know Orlando for. I'm really out of shit to write, as the past week or so has been draining as all hell and I'm fed up with just about everything else on the planet. So, here's some filler shitz about a couple of places that I really like in Orlando. I'll save everyone the Hot Dog Heaven rant because we've all heard it 300 times before.

Lazy Moon-
I used to think Lazy Moon was probably one of the most hopping eateries in the UCF area, but I guess apparently it's not so much. Lazy Moon is great because of the fact that they do pizza by the slice, but their pizza is fucking enormous. Literally, one side of a slice is the length of my forearm. For just a slice of cheese, I think it's like 3.30, but you can add a shit-ton more stuff to it for a pretty marginal price. Also, the best part about this is that they have a deal where you can get that same slice of cheese and a pint of PBR (Arguably one of the greatest beers ever) for 3.60. For those playing the home game, a pint of pbr ends up being 30 cents. Can't go wrong, especially with their large selection of special/good/expensive/cool/ and/or cheap beers on hand. Great place.

xoxo,

Joe

SOONER or later, the Gaytors will go down

haha, funny right?

Man do I intensely not like the amount of hype that Florida gets. Anyway, here's something interesting. My friend John and I started this website where we're going to document stupid things people do that affect our lives and other funny minutia. Check it out. It's not fully 100% yet, as we still don't really have the weirdo wordpress thing figured out, but when it is, I'll repost the link. Keep checking back for updates because that's probably going to be where I post a lot of the more widely accessible funny stuff. As if I'm funny or something -_-.

http://www.whysodumb.com

I have my own seperate section, but until we link all the pages together, just go there for the most part. Until that happens, expect all regular posts on here.

Anyway, continuing on, today was the beginning of another semester of third-tier state university education for me. Unlike last semester when I had all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday, today I only had 2/4 classes. These classes, ideally, were separated by an hour and a half window which, as hard as I tried, was unable to be filled with anything. So I should have an hour or so break between classes, which I'm sure I'll use to an overwhelming extent to do homework. However, after leaving my apartment at 20 til noon to try and find parking, I ended up getting to class like a minute late because of the inherent clusterfuck with UCF parking. In this minute, I determined a few things:
1. Our professor was not there
2. This class looks like it will be thoroughly torturous
3. We were not going to be in class for more than two more minutes

After my class got out at promptly 12:03, it occurred to me that I was 2 hours and 57 minutes away from having another class. After the initial bout of anger, I killed time and made it to my intro to hospitality course (a 1000 level class, pretty much all freshmen). In this, of course, because it was a mostly freshmen class, we were required to do some idiotic ice breaker where the other half of the room would have to come over, pick a partner, and learn shit about them like name, hometown, major, and "what would you do if you knew you could never fail". Of course, because this was a freshman class at a third tier state university, all of the answers sucked, a lot. Some people tried to be funny and failed. Some people tried to be deep, and bombed. Some people tried to be honest, and their answers were still either shitty or cliche. Now I realize that it seems like I'm casting unfair judgment, but here is why I will provide a list of some of the worst answers that I can actually remember. No order really, just whatever comes to mind:

Cure cancer/aids-
This was a big one. Even if your life has been affected by cancer and/or AIDS, this is merely a bullshit cop-out for an answer. Plus, in the grand scheme of life, cancer and AIDS need to exist. This isn't the fucking notebook, and not everyone can just die of natural causes (Which cancer sort of is anyway, but I digress). Just a dumb predictable answer that says to everyone "I'm boring and unexceptional and trying to not look like a selfish twat".

Take a cross-country road trip-
This was actually one that the fat bro who picked me used. Granted, he tried to avoid it at first, but not wanting to look like a total tard in front of a class of nearly 70, I immediately picked one that, if nothing else, was at least worth a chuckle. He however, came up with nothing. In fact, just to save his ass (and look like a sharp witty brat, as well) I was just going to say "He says that if he could do anything, it would be 'shit, I don't know what to write'". Because maybe half the class would have gotten it, and that would have been like iridescent paint under a black light telling me which members of the class to consider as human beings with a functioning brain stem. But no, instead he picked "take a cross country road trip". Firstly, unless you're a bleeding imbecile with very little skill for forward planning (especially ironic in a hospitality MANAGEMENT class), I think it's pretty difficult to fail at driving across the country. Really, as long as you have enough money, you can solve just about any problem that comes up along the way. Regardless, that was his answer, and it instantly made me feel like a flailing dick for having to read that outloud.

Scuba-dive-
Of course the bitch from Maine would say this. Now, not to say that there aren't plenty of ways to fail at scuba diving (getting the bends, running out of air, rubbing against fire coral, etc) because there are, but none of these things are very common at all in terms of people actually doing them. In fact, scuba diving really only has a couple of things to remember. One, keep breathing constantly and don't hold your breath. Two, don't shoot straight up to the surface. Three, don't touch anything that is red and/or moving. If you do that, I'm pretty sure you're fine. It's really NOT that hard. If this is the ONE thing you would do out of literally anything in the world, you are really wasting that get out of jail free card aren't you?

Be a psychic and a race car driver-
Wow, epic fail attempt at being funny? Hey dude, I know you're new to this whole college thing, but your Ren and Stimpy brand of humor was kind of not funny when you started it in middle school. Grow up a little and make jokes about dead hookers or something.

Be an NFL coach (girl saying this)-
Wanna hear a funny joke? Women's rights. Ha ha! Yeah, this is just me being a dick and being upset that no matter what class I'm in, apparently it has to talk about feminism in some way or another. Sad panda.

Rob a bank-
Cool, so now instead of finding out the hard way that you're a materialistic whore, I know without ever having to say a word to you. Thanks for saving me the trouble.

Kill Sarah Palin-
Not funny Joe, that's just creepy. Stop bloging and attempting to be funny and failing. Everyone laughing? Yeah, it's probably because what you said rly disturbed them. Oh well!

Anyway, more from the State University Circus to come later. Go Sooners?

xoxo

Joe

I'm dying to tell you

So thanks for anyone that took the time to read my last blog. I appreciate the feedback I did get about it, but it was a bit too much to respond to individually. However, one comment by some anonymous person did really necessitate an answer, as I don't want people to assume things that aren't necessarily true.

The comment was as follows, verbatim: "so i assume that you dont want anyone to share your hijinks with, you dont want anyone to accompany you on this journey you call your life?
not now, not ever?"

Valid point, as I do seem pretty adamantly anti-relationship in my writing. I thought I had made it clear that it was really juvenile people trying to masquerade as adults that I had a problem with. My main focus was supposed to be about how I don't think that romantic relationships are necessary or helpful with fostering growth during the teens and twenties of one's life. The world just begins to present itself to you at those ages, and I don't think that having a spouse or a highly committed partner helps to foster the exploration of everything the world has to offer.

However, I did also make sure to include the fact that I'm not opposed to relationships at all. In fact, I think a good relationship is a great thing to have, but I don't feel like it's necessary to actively seek a relationship just for the sake of being romantically occupied. In fact, I think that is exceedingly unhealthy and can lead to a lot of problems later on in life. So many people in my generation seem to base their happiness on whether or not they are in a relationship, and frankly, it's a little sad. I mean granted, maybe I'm just coming out of left field. It's true that I haven't been in a relationship for well over two years now and maybe this is just some sort of subconscious contempt towards the idea, especially with how limiting my ex was. But that's another story for a different blog and another day entirely.

Now to state outright that I wouldn't consider a relationship right now would be completely presumptuous and asinine on my part. Of course, I'd be retarded to not consider the possibility for a relationship that seemed as if it would have a more positive impact on my life. Hell, I can think of a person or maybe two who I would love to see something develop beyond friendship. But the fact of the matter is that neither of these people look like they hold enough of an interest to actively pursue anymore, and that is just the way things happen sometimes. It's life, and I'll worry about more important things that I can control right now.

And as for the future, who am I to predict what happens next? Hell, in the next 24 hours, I could meet the woman of my dreams, or die in a fiery car accident. Only time can tell what lies ahead, which is why I tried to actively avoid saying that I didn't want to get married or anything like that. I don't know if I could ever see myself getting married, but if these first twenty years have taught me anything, it is to expect the unexpected. One day you could be gainfully employed and enjoying a break from school, and the next day you could be holed up in a hospital, facing two solid months of rehab. I try not to live too far ahead of myself at any point, and I hope this came across in the previous post. I've learned to take things each day at a time, and just hope to be able to be satisfied with the footprint I've left on the world when I'm gone.

cumshots and broken hearts,

-Joe

What will I be like when I get old?

I hope I'll still be just like I am now. Not necessarily unchanged, but not succumbing to the weird ailment of aging like so many people around I see.

As the days continue to pass on by, I've watched people come and go. In retrospect, 20 years is not as long as I once thought it to be. I can remember back 10 years ago to my 10th birthday actually and it doesn't seem like it was really all that long ago. To think that I've double in age since then, and that I'm charging towards 21 with an alarming speed, is really a little frightening. Even more frightening is how fast people my age are barreling towards full fledged adulthood.

I feel like I'm one of the few people in my generation who's even aware of what's going on. I'm one of the few who is paying attention to the fact that our days of irresponsibility are all numbered, and I'm one of the fewer who seems to be not charging headlong into it. I'm not in a committed relationship. I'm not looking for a committed relationship (although I'm not opposed to one, either). I'm not thinking about the possibility of having children, and, on a much heavier note, I don't have children (which is more than I can say for a lot of my coworkers). I'm not looking forward to the idea of marriage, and chances are, I probably won't get married. To me, these things aren't comfort or safety; they're obstacles. None of my goals and dreams revolve around anything routine, so for me, children, family, wife, growing up, and steady jobs just don't appeal. I'm not the white picket fence type to say the least.

It seems as if I'm one of the few of my generation who doesn't want this, and it seems that I'm the only one who is absolutely opposed to these things prior to the age of 30. I find it particularly perplexing about how anyone around my age is willing to settle down. I'm wondering where anyone gets the feeling that they've seen it all after a few months/years of being on his or her own. I'm pained to see people moving so fast at such a young age.

Has everyone around me failed to realize that you only experience your twenties once? Has everyone also failed to realize that the divorce rate (which generally hovers between 40-50%) doesn't discriminate? The person you feel like you couldn't be possibly better suited for is just as likely to cheat on you with a group of transsexual prostitutes/get tag teamed by the gardeners as the couple at the table next to you. Human relationships are dynamic and volatile things. Making a pact in terms of absolutes like marriage immediately changes the dynamics of the relationship, whether or not anyone wants to admit it. And to the argument of "well this is the best person I've ever met, or could imagine meeting", I ask if it's impossible to have something unimaginable happen? Because really, how perfect will your puppy love relationship seem when the unimaginably better person comes along? And how unimaginable did it seem that you would fall in love to such an extent in the first place?

This is a call to my generation: Wake up, and realize that what you have will eventually be gone. Whether it's your age, your health, or your spouse. I don't mean to sound pessimistic and jaded, but 6 billion people on Earth doesn't mean you should be glued to one for your whole life. Marriage, as well as relationships in general, do nothing but to limit the amount of people and things you experience as a singular person. I'm not trying to tell anyone how to live, but I can't possibly understand how fulfilling a life is where you're fooling yourself into thinking that what you have is perfect. Sometimes, we all need to be a little selfish. In closing, I leave you with a mildly out-of-context quote. The meaning of it here is essentially the same though.

"Why should you need someone else to invent your happiness?"-Chuck Klosterman; Downtown Owl

xoxo

-Joe

New Years shenanigans

Well hello, fellow cocks and vags.

It's officially a couple days after new years, meaning that I've been a lazy bastard and haven't updated worth a hell since Tuesday. However, in my defense, New Years was pretty phenomenal this year, which lead to me feeling like a giant bag of ape piss for the past few days. New Years for me currently carries more obligations than just partying to ring in the new years: I also have two close friends who have their birthday on January 1st. For one of their celebrations, we decided collectively to do the Waterford Wobble. For this, it involves going to each bar inside of Waterford (which is like a big shopping center thing in Orlando, for those unaware) and having at least one drink. Note: there are 18 bars inside of Waterford, including Chuck ee Cheese. And while we didn't make it to ALL 18, mostly because of the fact that it was new years eve and many of them closed early, we did put a pretty significant dent.

All in all, the WW was a great time, minus the injuries incurred. I had already had a sprained foot, and all of the walking just made it consistently worse over the course of the night. Combine this with being the victim of one of those treacherous "lol someone get in the shopping cart so we can throw it into a curb" deals, which lead to a beautifully bruised kneecap (which, in retrospect, probably should have been a broken knee cap), and being the victim of a botched attempt at a piggy back ride, which culminated in landing on a curb. Thankfully though, my lower back was there to break my fall. You know.

After ringing in the new year with probably some of the most piss cheap champagne I've ever tasted, our group of shenanigan causers caught wind of a large party with lots of alcohol and shitty local bands, so that was obviously a no brainer. At one point during this party (which might have been a lot better if we had gotten there before 2 am), I found a group of two girl. One of these girls was attractive, and the other was very very fat. However, the fat one had weed, and while I don't personally smoke, I do know of two friends who were really desperate for weed that night, and as such, I made it my personal goal to try and flirt the weed out of this girl. Needless to say, even my stratospheric levels of drunk charm didn't play out as I had expected. Here it also became apparent that no matter how much I drink, I'm still not the stupidest person on the planet, and I say this because of one person I talked to while I was there. This person was a reasonably cute girl holding the typical red solo cup filled with some intoxicating substance, and up until this point, and intelligent and engaging person. Our conversation went as follows:

Her: I'm excited! Tonight is my night to celebrate!
Me: Oh really? Why is this?
Her: Well, I just found out that my liver disease is in remission
Me: ...

Now, to put this in terms of AIM emoticons, my face looked kind of like this: 0.0

Yeah, apparently though, I really made no attempts to cover up this face, as I was then called a "judgemental dick" and was told that I didn't "understand" and as much as I tried backpedaling and tried to get her to explain why I didn't understand, this just caused the waterworks to be brought out in full effect. Needless to say, at this point, I began to realize that my night at least, was winding down.

Waking up the next morning was one of those surreal moments that you only see in movies. I woke up and immediately started panicking because I was contrained by sheets and pantsless. Immediately, in my hungover stupor, I thought that I was kidnapped. Sweet.

Needless to say, successful evening, minus all of the injuries. But now, it's time for a bit of a break. Regular coverage of "Who gives a shit events in Joe's life" will continue, probably tomorrow, while I'm not looking forward to starting class on monday.

xoxo

Joe